senseless sensibility.

I am not a selfish girl. I never wanted to be one… but sometimes, too much passion obliterates the little amount of logic and rationality I have left. Yes, that is what I really am. A stupid girl, not a selfish one.

I guess I have been holding this torch for him for a time longer than what is acceptable. I can’t help it. Maybe I’m purging it, maybe I’m not. One thing is for sure, I do not relish this feeling of emptiness. Nobody wants to be a loser. But sometimes, life is a player, and in this game of pin-the-unknowing-victim, it sees me through a tattered blindfold.

Insanity, maybe it has taken hold of me… and I am not as strong as I want everyone to believe. I bend sometimes to the temptation of showing him how I feel, as a matter of fact, a lot of times. And these brazen thoughts left me scathed and broken. But time and time again, I have proven to myself that I am not a coward, that I take responsibility for all my actions. And that is why I live in silent suffering. Insane, yes, guilty as charged. We are entitled to our days of deviance; the only difference with me is that I have them almost everyday.

I am not evil, though it would have been easier if I were. I would never have to explain every single act of non-conformity and irrationality. I would never feel guilty and bothered every time I say something people do not expect me to say... I would never have to explain why I had to be so hard on the guy I supposedly love. If I were evil, I can just shrug my shoulders and say, “its in my nature” and walk away.

But I am not evil, or so I believe. I am just a girl wanting and trying so hard to be understood but just gets screwed up in the process. As mushy as it may sound, I just want to be loved.

for eunice.

YOU AND ME POEM

We’re sugar coated cinnamon sticks
Sugar and spice, the best of both worlds.
Don’t run without your knickers on
I’ll surely run after you, like I always should.

Tonight, we lay under a blanket of clouds
Reminiscing the sunrise and sunsets we’ve shared
The iciness of the night is left abandoned
No harshness can break the comfort we bred.

I used to struggle away from your shadow
Having this yearning to stand on my own
But no matter what road I chose to take
You, my sister, will be my companion.

I remember walking barefoot on the desert
it bruised my feet until they were sore
I looked up to the stars and saw your face
It banished all the burdens I bore..

And now the verdant meadows emerge before us
The comfort of the another dusk transpiring
We grew out of love for lollipops and rainbows,
But still we dream of happy endings and prince charming.

We continue to share this scenario together
Holding hands, smiling and carefree
Blushing as we promise to stay forever
And to hold memories of you and me.

two girls, a guy, and a spoonful of bicol express

yesterday, i had one of the most enlightening and meaningful nights of my life. Instead of studying for my pending exams in Econ 153 and BA 104, i did Anime, my soulmate, a huge favor by hauling my sorry ass to the land of the skimpy-clothed and alcohol-high, eastwood. I, together with my orgmates, played marshal in a celebrity enduro-race sponsored by a famous beer corporation. being a self-confessed tv addict and jologs-at-heart, i succumbed to the idea of elbow-brushing with the stars. Unfortunately, all i saw were a couple of not-so-famous actors, a grouchy viva hotbabe and a handful of stupid civilians who have no idea what a charade is.

Eastwood City was a busy place when we arrived there at 7:30. It was actually expected since it was a Saturday and most yuppies got their most-anticipated pay to satiate their alcohol-starved selves. i was clad in a simple black shirt, faded blue jeans and my favorite black boots so i felt a little weird being in a place full of teenagers dressed scantily. Present in the occasion were my co-execomers, including sushi girl, my ex's ex. it was not uncommon for us to be together. aside from the fact that we're both officers of our org, we are friends, in the genuine sense. the first people our group saw were buggy, an alumna and tadaaa! thoushallnotbenamed. although i knew that he would be there, being the party animal that he is, i never thought i would still get a kick of awkwardness out of the situation.

while saying our usual hello's and hi's to the other orgmates and alumni, the organizers of the event called our attention to give us a briefing of the night's activities. as i mentioned earlier, we would have to be stationed at a certain bar with a partner and help facilitate the dares given by the organizer. the choice for the partner was a no-brainer. i picked my vice-chair, brashes, because she's close to me and i was planning on discussing the details of our next event. due to some reasons even i cant understand, Anime gave my partner away and commanded sushi girl to be the substitute. i had no qualms about that. im over thoushallnotbenamed and i consider sushi girl the sister i wish i had.

at 8:25 pm, sushi girl and i made our way to our designated station, Spice bar and resto. apparently, we had to facilitate a bicol express eating contest charades for the contestants. the first 20 minutes were spent talking about our pending exam in ba 104 (were classmates), when she said out of the blue that she was irked by what thoushallnotbenamed said to one of our friends who just broke up with his boyfriend. and that started two hours of an unexpectedly enjoyable chat.

I never, even in my wildest dreams (i have many of them, believe me), that i would actually talk to sushi girl about our "common" guy. It was supposed to be awkward, not enjoyable. We talked about how much i knew about him, his family, his mannerisms and other stuff. It broke my heart when i saw pain in sushi girl's face when she said that it ws so unfortunate that they didnt make it that far. It brought tears to my eyes that they cant be together anymore. I really wanted both of them to be happy... especially thoushallnotbenamed. I tried to give her real life experiences (which may seem wierd since were talking about the same guy) which i hoped would help her decide on the fate of their relationship. We shared secrets like real sisters and we saw the value of finding someone who truly understand your situation.

After our task was done, we headed back to meet the other people. with arms locked together, we trodded the path to the present. We were even laughing and whispering words to each other, and we had mischief written in our eyes. we were definitely a picture of mystery and if thoushallnotbenamed only knew, im sure he would cringe in his seat.

Thank God for small wonders.