When There's Nothing Left To Burn

... You have to set yourself on fire. 

Says the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, Your Ex Lover is Dead. 

How appropriate during these times. 

No, I am not lamenting over a broken heart. I am way past that. Five months have passed and I could say that I am healed. 

There's no grief. There is just... 

_____

It's as if I've extinguished all the fire that kept me alive... that I've touched the flame that I have always tried to avoid. And now, there's nothingness. 

Like I'm stuck inside a room with four solid walls, without any doors, without any windows. 


Dead End. 


Dear life, Help me burn again.. before I set myself on fire. 

LipSmackingSmackers

The New Era

I knew even before 2012 started that this year will be a monumental year for me. And with the first quarter coming to a close, I feel like so much has happened.

My world is spinning so fast, I can barely put a firm grasp on the craziness of it all. First, I am back to the happy, bubbly version of me. Not even a hint of the previous year's lunacy (although,I am in a different stage of insanity at this moment--but I'd rather not talk about that). And yes, after some years of contemplating and deciding against it, I am finally going back to school. Time to handle a different kind of stress-- just because I can.

Travel. Happiness. Inner peace. Increased self-worth. Career growth. Endless opportunities.

And I am just getting started.

A Post- Valentine Evaluation

And when i thought I would have a normal Valentine's day,

... i received the sweetest "good luck" package from a beloved person.
... I got the best Valentine's day surprise.
... I experienced the most bizarre and interesting train ride.

To you who made my Valentine's Day extremely special, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. You are the sweetest, kindest, most adorable person I know. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I know I would.

February 18, 2012

Five years ago, I marked my phone calendar that I would get married today.

Instead, I spent the day in SMX for the travel expo where I tortured myself watching my brother book his three week vacation in Spain (without me!). Oh, I wish I had the resources and free time to travel around the world too. I cannot be committal this year as I have my graduate studies to take care of.

I also spent my afternoon and evening whining, wining and dining with Anime and Flamethrower at the latter's posh new condo. Its so fun getting intoxicated at her balcony while we feast our eyes on the beauty and madness of Manila and discuss how awesome our lives are, climbing our way to the top of the career ladder and still managing to retain friendships and maximize our youth.

So what if my plans of getting married today didn't push through? IF it did, I doubt I could ever fulfill my other dreams of making it big and increasing my self-worth as a woman and as a person, in general.

I just know that God has a bigger and grander plan for me. And with today being such a great day, I'm pretty sure the plan is now set in motion.

And I don't need three glasses of wine to tell me that.

Babang Luksa

Whew. one year, baby. (According to my friend, Mamba, I'm a day off. haha. I can't even remember the exact day)

Yep, its been that long. I have gone full circle and to be honest, I don't feel anything. Maybe because I have spent most of the last year feeling so much that I am left with this numbness. Or maybe because I am finally healed of my broken heart. Or maybe because I am filled with so much love and happiness now that I cannot remember any good memory from the past for me sink in and wallow in depression.

Anyhoo, who's complaining? Good thing is that I am fine, actually, more than fine. I'm doing really, really well.

With the help of my family and friends, I am completely booked for this week.

Today, we have a family thingie to celebrate love and single-blessedness. Actually, no. We just want to create a reason to party and eat to our heart's content. Yes, that's how close we are. We find reasons to come together and pig out.

Also, I have this week-long thing with the Perks starting on V-day. No, we obviously don't think its pathetic to huddle with all our single friends, drink and watch Rom-com movies until we vomit all our internal organs on the balcony of Flamethrower's new condo. And probably we might dance senseless to the Divinyl's I Touch Myself like we always do. That's our idea of fun. And the day after, we plan to do a post-Vday evaluation, whatever that means.

And oh, I may finally say yes to that date just to get it over and done with. I don't know. I'm feeling reckless, so sue me.

Which reminds me, better send a tweet to Ian Somerhalder now to invite him to be my Valentine's date. Tubby might beat me to the punch again this year. Who knows, maybe he'd say yes. :-)

Of Spotless Mind and Mindless Sleep

My back is hurting from too much sleeping.

I still can't believe that I fell asleep while taking my exam. I blame it on my failure to drink coffee that morning, which I attributed to waking up late, which was due to, uhm, no. I don't want to go there. It's my happy place and I would never regret staying up late.

So, F*CK it.

Anyway, I spent most of my Saturday sleeping. It's not as if 12 hours of sleep can magically erase all the eyebags, carefully acquired over 20 years of unhealthy lifestyle (I've had these dark eyebags since I was in 2nd Grade). I even forgot to wash my face or even make it to my bed (I fell asleep on the sofa).

Apart from taking my test, I was able to make my Saturday kind of productive by watching one of my favorite movies of all time, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, which is a perfect way to spend my Valentines week.

This movie is brilliant, from the plot, to the cinematography, to the story telling. Not to mention the actors. Michel Gondry (Director and writer) is a genius. Unfortunately, he failed to recreate the same magic with The Science of Sleep. But that's alright, Gael Garcia Bernal was super hot in this movie (though not as drool worthy as Y Tu Mama Tambien).

So here are some of my favorite lines from the movie:

[Mary reads to Dr. Mierzwiak out of "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations"; the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"]
Mary: How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

Joel: [voice over] random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.

Joel: What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she's a stranger.

Yes. I love, love, love this movie.

(Source: www.imdb.com)

Dear Cupid

Please shoot an arrow through any of these guys' heart. I need my Valentines Date:



If its not asking too much, pwedeng siya na lang? Ian Somerhalder can bite me anytime. :-)


If not, pwede na rin to. Kahit maliit, di naman ako choosy. I would love to drive with Jensen Ackles even to hell and back.



Okay na rin kahit payat- Andrew Garfield. (paki bonus na rin si Emma Stone)


Kahit na nga di masyado guwapo, basta charming and funny, pwede na. - Michael Cera


Kahit na alam kong malulumpo siya at makakalbo in the future, peg ko pa din si Professor X. - James Mcavoy


Who cares if he's always high? I don't mind. He's a GENIUS. - James Franco

Yun lang. Ktnxbye.

Screw It.

I'm going out.

NOW.

Sunday Afternoons...

are so depressing.

Can we rewind to Friday nights or Saturday mornings? I particularly hate that time during Sunday when the sun is about to set and the silence is deafening. Aargh, this orange-hued afternoon reminds me of CSI Miami, and I hate CSI MIAMI.

I hate it most when the realization starts to loom in that another workweek is about to commence. Here you are on a Friday night thinking that after a couple of drinks and memorable conversations with people, this will equate to a super epic weekend. And then you suddenly wake up and it's freakin' Sunday. I spent the entire weekend either plastered to my bed, cleaning the house or logging in and out of the internet, waiting for something, anything to happen.

These are the times when I wish I knew how to drive. But these are very fleeting moments. Okay, it's gone now.

oh, but the sight of my bed is way too enticing than going out of the house. But my bed does not feel the same way...my very lonely bed that seems to want to throw me out and scream, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE GET UP AND DO SOMETHING!

While some people are out having family time or getting the afternoon delight (good for you, guys. Bravo), I give in to the sloth (not slut) in me. Not that there's a shortage of things to do. I have a lot of movies waiting to be watched, some posts I need to finish and I really , really have to study for my grad school exam. But I dont know. There's just something wrong with me right now. I feel... incomplete?

I really hate Sunday Afternoons.

Note to Self

Not because you want something, you can have it. Some things are not meant to be touched. EVER.

I Am Claiming 2012 As My Year

I just got back from a long and well deserved vacation. I laveeet! I was able to purge ill feelings and having a time off with my normal life somehow cleansed all the bad vibes away. I am so ready to take on 2012.

And as a big shebang, I will be moving! Yes, MOVING! Not residence, not company, but blog. Start fresh and leave all the drama of past years behind. 2012 will be my "All Out, Todo na To" year. I have so many things lined up and I can't wait to rock the boat. Blast them, status quo! I will surprise everyone, including myself.

Let's do this!

You Know This is For You

I told you you would look so much prettier with your hair color in a more natural hue. And your teeth baring smile made you ten times more likable. To be honest, I like you already. Merry Christmas and a great new year to both of you. May this 2012 be the best for all of us.

This is All Kinds Of Awkward

Let me tell you something about me. I am not used to being wooed and swooned over. It kind of pushes me to over analyze things. This early, it's like I'm being forced to make a choice. And it suffocates me. Gak. Pwede bang steady muna?

Ansabe ng Horoscope ko 11/21/2011

(Source:www.yahoo.com)

Your imagination, dreams and fantasies are offering you some amazing insight into the questions you've been asking yourself, and they could confirm a few suspicions. The visions in your life give you a glimpse of the truth, of the accurate reality you see from outside your biased lens. You've been in a fog about someone for a while, and it's time to be up front and crystal clear about what you need and what you want. Go right to the source and don't leave things open to interpretation

Paduds.

I am A Zombie. A Very Productive Zombie.

Wow, 3 hours of sleep after hours of partying, er, working in heels after our company sponsored an event held at Republiq last night. Yes, it was fun but it really wasn't my thing. Note: the sight of grinding bodies in a dark space is not my idea of a relaxing Thursday night. But, who's complaining? Free food, good dance music and a chance to people-watch.

To say that my social life is active is a severe understatement. I can only blame this on the season. People keep on asking me to do a lot of extracurricular activities that blur the line of work and personal life. Hosting activities, organizing surprise birthday, Christmas, bridal shower, reunion parties, dance presentations, and the ultimate singles mixer. Yes, this is on top of a very time and energy consuming 8-5 (rather, 8-8) job. I barely sleep, I wake up early, I go out a lot, and I seldom have dinner. How I can manage to remain vertical and still have this much energy is really beyond me.

After all these hectic events, I cannot wait to leave. After all, a girl needs to get out of this madness once in a while. And this, my dear, is a welcome reprieve.

The Involuntary

She stares outside her window looking at the pouring rain and counting every second that passes her by. She knows that this will only get her down, and yet, she basks under the heavy weight of reliving the past--- the past that has been her mind's playground where she can freely run with memories of him.

Her heart throbs in pain, her breathing becomes laborious, and her hands begin to tremble at the anguish of wanting to hold him, but can't.

Yet, she savors this suffering.

Because it is only the ache in her heart that can validate that what they had was real. Not now, but at some point, it had been real.

It had not been a few seasons ago when she would wake up to his smile and the gentle touch of his hand on her face, making her feel precious and loved. She would look forward to every daylight as this would bring a new moment for her to relish the comfortable feeling of him beside her. She would longingly kiss his lips and whisper a line from a song they both love, as music had been their secret code to express how they feel. His breath, her promise, the lingering embrace. She thought these would last forever.

Until one day, she woke up and it was all gone.

Gone.

Now, she only wakes up as an involuntary motion that happens to her every single day. She walks not to go anywhere but because she can no longer bear lying at that crumpled bed he used to sleep on, or bear sitting at that chair where he used to wait as she takes her time getting dressed. Everything is involuntary... sleeping, rising, crying, breathing. She was not living. She was merely existing.

She fears not of growing old alone and unwanted. She fears of growing old without him.

No. She was not unloved. She could have had a chance to be with someone. And yet, it doesn't matter to her anymore. Because what good would that be if that someone is not him?

How can she have any shot at happiness?

She can't and she won't.

Because when she gave her heart fully to him, she did not really get it back.

And now she's just an empty piece of shell.. broken and alone.

She suffers the worst kind of loneliness because the path of solitude has been paved by her own hands all along.


Now, that is voluntary.



(video from: www.youtube.com)

*** This is purely the work of the creative mind of the author which may or may not be based on real life. Paduds!

Seeing Your Ex

Aug. 24, 2011
By Brent Delaney
www.thoughtcatalog.com


There they are on the crowded street like a hallucination in the pregnant air. You are immediately hit by a bolt of anxiety while the word f*&^ skips over and over in your head like a roughed up CD. Your first impulse is to toss yourself into the nearby alley, but it's too far gone. They see you. You are two bar magnets simultaneously attracted and repelled by each other, north and south poles wildly confused. The sweltering tension as you approach each other climaxes in a, "Hi." Then, an awkward conversation bumbles along in an effort to disregard the coffin of memories anchoring every word. You brandish your shield, calling to arms everything in your reserve in a noticeably forced bluff of contentment. You uneasily shake hands or hug as if you've lost all knowledge of how to hug. And you continue along the filthy sidewalk, treading over cracks as you are struck with murky emotions of nostalgia.

It's a near-death ordeal where brain activity surges and a mashup of all your memories with that person plays on and on and on through invisible earphones. You can't shut the music off. It crescendos and you remember every nondescript detail. The way you changed hand positions when you went on walks together, sometimes intertwined, sometimes palms diagonally overlapping. The way you couldn't grasp how this person you're so in love with could actually like the medicinal taste of kale. The way you held their face or stared up at them anticipating a moment of vulnerability. The way they touched your leg under a table filled with your friends and how that small gesture gave you a profound feeling of support.

It is then that a decrescendo occurs and a cold stream runs through you as you remember that monumental fight you two got into, retreating into your corners of the ring, waiting for the other to send the first SOS, the first apology, the first admittance of wrongdoing. The way you felt at first and the way your relationship crawled towards a routine complacency, dispiritedly trying to regain that electric current of the initial few months when time was irrelevant. The way you both wanted different things in life, but kept an ongoing, unspoken mantra that you were bound by something stronger than your own selfishness.

It was like any other relationship of both positive and negative charges. Just like any other.

And suddenly, it's all over. You start thinking about your own life again, your present problems and the fact that you need to buy Parmesan if you want to actually enjoy that spaghetti you plan on eating. The memories evaporate. Who you were and that particular stage of your life recedes back into the depths of you, laid to rest in a place with no gravestone; a place you will visit less and less because, no matter how much effort, you can't resuscitate the past.

Why I Need Therapy

There are days when I am just overflowing with happiness, with creative juices, with the zest for life.

There are days, though, when I just feel like curling into a ball, crying myself to sleep, and wishing never to wake up.

Compared to other people, I have no major issues to speak of. I had a great childhood, I've no angst, and I am not at war with the world. And yet, I choose to pick my scabs so I can bleed, so I can remind myself that I am still alive, albeit, bordering the line of just existing.

It's not that I am not a happy person. I am. I would also like to believe that I have a talent in making other people happy. I am a firecracker, so they say. Never losing energy, always laughing, always in high spirit.

...until something bursts my bubble.

It could be a song that reminds me of my ex. It could be the weather that prevents me from going out with friends, holding me immobile and glued to my bed. It could be the sight of happy couples or carefree children.

To simplify things, I am a self-confessed, non-clinically diagnosed manic-depressive.

For some time, I thought that I was cured of this disorder (for more or less 5 years). But something triggered it and I don't think I need to name it.

You may be thinking that it's only because I was recently heartbroken that I'm swinging from happiness to depression in a snap of a finger.

FALSE.

I've always been a kindred soul since I can remember. I was that kid who listened intently to sad songs, feeling hopeless for a heartbreak that has not yet arrived. I was that teenager who wrote poetries and short stories to a love unknown. I was that 20-year old fresh graduate who stared at the ceiling endlessly at night thinking my life was not how it was supposed to be. And now, I am a twentysomething career woman who works 12 hours a day and drowns 2 hours a night at the thought of ending up alone.

What is important to note, however, is that I am not dishonest with myself. I never pretend to be happy when I'm not.I never incurred the habit of lying, not even to myself. If anyone would ask me if I was fine, I need not come up with a verbal response. They just need to see me, my eyes, and the way I slumped in my chair uncomfortably, and they would automatically know. I am that transparent.

And tonight, I am once again spiralling into the bottomless pit of self-destruction. Of hate. of Anger. Of helplessness and hopelessness. Forgetting how far I've come along. Forgetting the overflowing love I've been receiving.

But only for tonight. Or until this weather clears up.

Because that's the beauty of a self-confessed, non-clinically diagnosed manic-depressive. You always know that things will be better and that you will be happy again.

Until the next bubble bursting.

I Should Be Sleeping but...

in two hours, i'll be waking up and leaving for the cemetery to visit Mama. 25 years of going here and my heart still aches for her. I never got the chance to know her but I know from all the stories that she was a very kind person; soft spoken, quiet, loving and beautiful inside and out.

I'm not saying that I hate my life now. Mommy has been very good to all of us. I couldn't think of a better person to take care of us than her, but there are times when I cannot help but wonder what my life would be and how I would turn out if Mama had lived longer.I think I would be less talkative, more conservative and reserved, more mysterious and soulful as she had been. I cant say that I would be better. Different,yes, but not necessarily better.

MTB never had the opportunity to meet her. I had been planning a visit to the cemetery so I can introduce him to Mama, but in all four years of our relationship, the moment never arrived.

Maybe God intentionally hindered them from meeting. Maybe He wanted me to bring him, my future, to Mama as a sign that he will be the guy that the Lord has set for me.

I know that Mama is up there guiding us, like an angel whom you may not see, but can feel every second of everyday. She has been instrumental to removing the pain in my heart and allowing me to be hopeful for the future.

I'll be with you later, Mama. We've got a lot to talk about.