random thoughts

im drifting apart
slowly falling into this black hole
and i dont care, i dont know if i will ever do
im inlove with no one, i want to be in love again
with a real person, not with a photo
not with a voice, and not with a memory
i want to feel his arms around me, i want to breathe and scream his name
i want him.. and i want him now

ouch.. my legs hurt

and reality sets in

heartbreaks are just muscle pain

11:54 PM 10/13/2003

aortic jargons

dusk is coming, but my eyes are still wide open
my heart pulsating, my mind wandering off to neverland
im engulfed in this yearning, this craving.
consumed by my own passion and my search for that star
thAt will never cease to brighten the days of despair
the star i can call my own, i can possess and i can surrender to.
yes, the torqoise sky has finally broken free.
but my eyes are still wide open.
quit the profundity.
i.
miss.
you.

trespasser

there was a knock on my door, i didnt open
the phone was ringing, i didnt answer
There were letters under my door, i left them unopened.
 You came into my life, I tried to brush you away.

You came without notice and you turned my world around
i should never have given you that secret smile
this insanity would not have gone too far.
but i did and now, im suffering the consequences.

Foolish of me to think that this was something magical
i guess it was a one-way mirror, with me on the wrong side
I let you see what's inside me, i let you take what is not yours,
my heart that is beaten, that should have been mine alone.

and now i live in solitude, and in pain i will succumb
For you left without a word, a look, a kiss, nor regret.
 What is there for me to look forward to, now that youre gone?
Perhaps the memories and the day you might come back.

there was a knock on my door, but it was somebody else
The phone was ringing, but it wasnt your voice on the other line
there were letters under my door, but its not your name that was written
You walked away from my life, but you dont know where to go.

i'll  wait for you, stranger.

blame it on the glasses.

ouch, my head hurts. ( This is what i get for trying to use it for a good cause, i.e. studying)

For everyone's information, i have been spending 3 hours of my precious time in the library pretending to be a grade conscious student. Equipped with 3 books and a rimless glass to complete the look, i am the epitome of an A1 student; hardworking, patient, smart and in control. Harhar, i wish. If my good friend, flamethrower were not with me to ruin my "moment", i would have convinced myself that i am capable of being a total smart-ass.

Having lived most of my academic life in mediocrity, i have accepted the reality that i would not graduate with flying colors and a flaming ego. Even in High school, i have considered myself as the happy-go-lucky, c'est la vie girl. I trust my instincts and use my charms to pass all my subjects and get what i want. i was able to maximize my high school life to the fullest and i have no regrets.

I thought that this carefree attitude would get me through college. Unfortunate for me, it did not turn out as planned. During my freshman year, i had to struggle with my subject and almost flunked my math. Though that subject has always been my waterloo, i knew i could have done better because i used to go to a science high school where they teach college subjects in advance. however, i did not excel in any subject and even find it difficult to pass all of them.


---------------------------cancelled------------------------------

due to unforseen events, i.e. the breaking of the magical eyeglasses, i discontinued writing this piece. thank you.

Famous Last Words.

i have nothing more to say to you. after so many nights of crying until my eyes were bloodshot, i think that i have no more tears left.
(pause.. think..feel)
But maybe i do have a few things to say before i finally rest my case. First, it was nice meeting you. i never regret the fact that once, you graced my oh-so-boring life and for seven bittersweet months, you became my ray of sunshine. ALso, i want to thank you for bringing out the best and worst in me. you showed me what i was capable of doing, what i was capable of becoming. before you came into my life, i never realized i had so much love in me. i was so cynical and jaded that i tried to dampen out other people's spirit. I was wrong for mocking them and i was definitely wrong in mocking you. For this, i want to say im Sorry. im sorry for not understanding you enough, im sorry for not trusting your better judgment, im sorry for hurting you. im sorry for letting you down. You have no idea how great you are and im sorry i never said that more often. its hard for me to admit this, but i Miss you. i miss talking to you. i miss the way you would look at me and hug me when i was all messed up. most of all, i miss the friendship we had. Things could have been different if... wait, stop this. Im all wrong now. there is nothing we could have done to prevent things from falling apart. i guess we're just not meant to be together.for this i want to say, im moving on and i wish you well. by the way, you'll always have a space in my heart.

Liberated: the General Patronage version

at long last, im FREE.

ive never felt this free. i feel that after a year of mourning for a love gone wrong, i have now finally gotten over him. yes, i have bravely faced my ghost. i realized that i should not attribute our relationship's death to his inability to fight for me nor the fact that his friends never liked me. it was not his entire fault that our almost love story did not end with a "happily ever after." i had my share of guilt and im extremely foolish if i dont acknowledge them. Its neither his fault nor mine. it just didnt work out. i know, i know. it destroyed all my flare for the extraordinary.. the reason is not intriguing but its true. i should have known this earlier if i just opened my eyes and mind to the entire situation. it could have saved me the embarrassment as well as the unintended heartaches. But come to think of it, if it wasnt for these things, i wouldnt have learned the lessons that i need to know for my next relationship.

it may have been long overdue now but im totally relieved that i had my closure and that i have accepted my fate. now, im ready to Love again. FINALLY.

the unbearable lightness of being... blah.

july 6 2004, 11:55 pm

wow. nothing so extraordinary happened today. actually, my life is not that exciting anymore. if someone would chronicle my life, he would probably fall asleep doing this part. i need someone to perk things up...

any form of distraction is welcomed. just help me feel alive! aaargh.

ob-cessed.

11:59 PM 7/3/2004

yesterday, i went to the seniors' acquaintance party. I had no intentions of going, but since flamethrower (my evil friend) had nothing to eat in her apartment, we decided to go. besides, it's bad to say no to free dinner.

at the party, i saw my friend Frodo in the corner of the room with his other guy friends. it was kinda high schoolish to see guys bunching together, but whathehey! it blends perfectly well with the kiddie theme. Anyway, Frodo's perennial object of affection, your majesty, was also there. she even joined the pin-the-nose-of-the-ugly-clown contest. while she was trying her best to cheat her way to winning, i couldnt help glancing at my friend Frodo. As expected, he was ogling at her, smiling foolishly to himself. it was depressing just looking at him. It's Not because his love is unrequited, but because he is ruining his chances of falling in love with another girl because he is blindly obsessing over her. thinking about his present dilemma, i cant help but feel worried about him. he was putting her on a terribly high pedestal that no other girl can possibly surpass her. Oh Frodo, you are a hopeless case.

this situation led me to think about my own love life. I am totally over thoushallnotbenamed,that im sure of. why then cant i get myself to like anybody else? am i putting him on that unreachable pedestal too? am i just like Frodo, my constant patient in the psycho Love ward?

a week ago, i had the chance to talk to thoushallnotbenamed about things other than the weather. I was trying to help him figure out a way for him and his ex-gf to get back together.( DISCLAIMER: despite my constant reminiscing of our past, i am genuine in my pursuit to help him find happiness. besides, i love his girlfriend, she's like a sister to me. ) Seeing him so helpless made my heart ache. he is still the same guy i knew back in freshman college. that guy whose gets teary-eyed at the mere mention of his problem, the schmuck who still has no idea what his GF wants, even if she's being blunt about it... that same boy i fell in love with a thousand years ago. despite his imperfections and cluelessness, he is still annoyingly adorable. that conversation made me realize that he still has an impact on me, not romantically but psychologically. For the past years, he has been my paradigm of male greatness. He was everything that i want my future Boyfriend to be. Sensitive, kind, sweet, funny, rich, and capable. I've been putting him high up there that no other guys can possibly compare to him. Not that there's actually a particular someone to compare him with. But in general, i seek out his traits in every guy i come across with. This is not intentional,i promise. its just that i cant help it.

what then, should Frodo and I do? as any brilliant shrink would probably say, we must first try to determine the root/s of the problem. For Frodo, he may not be aware of it, but i think that he is psychologically trying to sabotage himself into not liking other girls. why, you ask? hmmm, i dont know. maybe to prevent other heartaches from happening. if he's devastated at the mere fact of being prevented to court her, i cant imagine how he would feel if he got turned down the second time around. it could also be that he is just feeling bored not having someone to obsess over. i, for one, can attest to the uncanny pleasure of chasing someone.it's a thrill, i tell you. it could be other reasons, we can never know for sure. The only thing i am sure of is that he is not in pain anymore, or atleast he is not that hurt as before. as for me, well, i guess im just fixated on the thought of having a perfect-relationship that i wouldnt want to settle for less.

given these reasons, what remedy can we possibly give ourselves? I can supply three options. First, burn/throw away anything that reminds us of our ex's. if its a song, try to listen to songs that has a generic genre (preferably classical or election jingles) so that you cant associate anything to them. if its a movie, try watching horror films, Lito Lapid films or B-movies like anaconda. Unless your ex looks like J. Lo, you'll never get unwanted memories watching it. On the far side, try bombarding yourself with everything that can remind her of you until you get sick of it. this way, you'll be desensitized of any emotion. for the last option, you can just let the heartache pass. let the invisible hand do the deed of forgetting. you will eventually realize that there's more to life than her majesty, thoushallnotbenamed and other unwanted thoughts. It may take some time, but this is the surest way of curing the sickness.

One of life's hardest tasks is forgetting someone who means the world to us. This is unwanted, but most of the time, it is necessary. Always remember that we are the masters of ourselves, that we are in control. Dont let the past prevent us from finding happiness. Someone else deserves our undying Love and that someone happens to be the One willing to offer his undying love in return.

Winter’s demise

Running in the wilds, barefoot
Without any directions, without any sense
Things will change soon
The birds will soon start singing
As the winter snow melts,
My frosted hands will not be frigid

The everglades will be smothered rich
With life and colors that have once deserted them
I arched my back, welcomed the febrile sensation
Stark no more, anxiety narrowed
Flowers will no more be barren
For tears of ecstasy will surge endlessly.

I am the Queen of Sunshine.
Melt before me.

Love: not for me to have. not for me to hold.

happy birthday to me..

one week before my birthday and my life is going down the drain. im mentally incapacitated, physically unwell and worst of all, emotionally impaired. a year ago, im feeling almost the same way, except the for the latter. last year, in spite of all the harassments of my daily existence, i had the love of my life with me to share these problems with. But now, im alone and feeling miserable. this is the loneliest birthday i will ever have. im so broken inside and no one but me knows about it. i am such a great actress that even my closest friends have no idea how pathetic my life is. outside, i always have that smile on my face, showing everyone that i can take the situation with ease. i have fooled everyone, everyone except myself.

8 months since he left me, and im still counting. i dont exactly know how the relationship fell apart. all i know is that when it did, it brought my whole world along with it.

our story is that of the other typical love stories. we're the best of friends. he always sought me out whenever he had a problem with his girlfriend. being the perfect friend, i would always comfort him and say things i knew would make him feel better. they broke up, i caught him and that indelible line was crossed. and things were never the same again.

at first, i had apprehensions about falling in love with him. he was my friend and during that time, that's all he was to me. i was also afraid that the friendship that we built for so long would be ruined. i cant let that happen, i said to myself. i would turn him down, and he would get depressed. he would cry a lot, and would beg me to take him back. i would always go weak-kneed and take him back. a month of this and i realized that im in love with him and that im willing to give the relationship a chance. although the fear of ruining the friendship was still there, he assured me that we will always be the best of friends no matter what happens. i started reciprocating his love for me but his friends, most of whom were girls, thought that i was just playing around and they started to hate me. they even started talking trash behind my back. this became the object of our constant quarrels. all i wanted was to hear him say that he will stand up for me whatever his friends say. but this he never did.

it came to the point where his friends and i stopped talking. i know that he was caught in the middle of a girl fight. but i felt that i deserve to be treated fairly by his friends. this went on for months, and i realized that i cant stand seeing him so hurt. even though i know that i had to fight for my right, i love him so much that i was the one who offered to reconcile with his friends. i thought everything would be okay between us, but it never did. he started growing cold on me, stopped spending time with me. he spent most of his time with his girl friends and i was always left behind. my friends didnt know im hurting because i dont want them to think that he's treating me bad. i was so in love with him that i was willing to experience all that pain.

but things got out of hand and i realized that no matter how much love i have for him, i have to save some for myself. it came to the point that he lied to me just so he can be with his friends. and that was the last straw. i had to let him go. i told him that he has to figure things out, to find out if he loves me as much as he claimed. i dont want him to feel that im making his world smaller. im dont want to barricade his happiness so i told him to come back when he was already sure and when he has enough strength to fight for me. but he never did. that's how our relationship ended, the relationship i fought so hard in keeping. but the fact that he fell out of love for me was not the main reason for my depression. it was the the fact that our friendship ended just like that.. without any effort of saving. that would kill me forever..

i still love him. and during times when i feel empty and broken, i would always wonder if i just stretched my patience a little longer, would things work out? but then i would realize that i cant fight this battle alone. he has to hold my hand and face the challenges with me. unless he does that, our relationship will just be a failure.

i can see that he's over me. he is living the life he is so used to spending. going out with his friends, having drinking sessions every week and sleeping over some friend's place. as for me, im still here, picking up the pieces of my broken heart. i can say that everything that happened was for the best. some things are just not meant to be. this pain is killing me, but if this is the price i have to pay for all the lessons this love has taught me, then i'll welcome it with open arms. at least when i finally find the ONE, things will be a whole lot better. but until that time comes, i'll put on my mask, post my everything-is-all-right smile, cry my heart out and watch the world pass by.
happy birthday to me... ( i wish)

for _____

i can see right through you
you conniving little bitch
behind that convincing smile
and smoothing gestures
is a mind that never sleeps

your game has just began for others
but for me, its about to end
i can see where this is going
and i promise you wont get there
because youre trapped inside this labyrinth,
you snotty little bitch.

not today

today im feeling kinda restless
feeling kinda weightless
im smiling like a fool for no reason at all
and im not ready to find out why
i might lose my ray of sunshine
but not today

because today, im feeling kinda groovy
and im feeling kinda funny
life isnt hard to bear after all
because dreams kept catching on
i dont want to be left behind
not today

because today im feeling kinda in love
and im feeling it way up above
and i dont think im kinda mushy at all
for if i let it all out of my head
maybe i wont have the chance to have it again
no, definitely not today

no brainers

tuldok
.
ito ka na lang sa buhay ko

..
ikaw.
ako.
ito na lang tayo.

...
kailanman ay wala nang kasunod.



beauty contestant

smile, wink, pose
uhm, ah, uhm, ah
...and world peace.


life cant be harder than this.
love cant be more tragic than this.
Hope cant be more elusive than this.
Freedom can be more constricting that this.
beauty cant be uglier than this.
but wait.
life is what you make it.



mental block

may sasabihin ako sayo.
wag na lang. nakalimutan ko na eh.



haiku

mental block

may oras ka ba?
may sasabihin ako sa yo.
ha? next time na lang.

haiku #2

lay down your cards now
dont make me wait forever
i might lose patience.

haiku #3
laces and ribbons
memories of childhood gone
cant we start over?

monologue

pagod na akong lumuha, pagod na akong masaktan, pagod na akong mahalin ka. ang tanga ko naman kasi eh. bakit sa dinami-dami pa ng tao dito sa mundo, sa iyo pa ako nagkagusto.. sa iyo na mahirap mahalin. bakit ikaw pa ang napili ko? bakit hindi na lang sa iba na walang kumplikasyon? sa iyo, ang dami ko pang dapat gawin, patunayan, ipaglaban. akala ko ba sa relasyon dalawa ang kumikilos? ang daya mo naman eh. andito ako, handa kang ipaglaban, handang isakripisyo ang lahat lahat para sa iyo. Mahirap rin ba akong mahalin? mahal naman kita, sabi noon, mahal mo rin ako. eh bakit nagkaganito? hindi ako kasinglakas ng gaya ng iniisip mo. hindi kasing galing magsalita o magsulat, eto ako. ito ang kaya kong sabihin sa yo... pero teka, kaya ko nga ba? bakit hindi ko mahagilap ang mga tamang salita upang ipadama sa iyo kung gano ako nasasaktan? mahal lang siguro kita ng sobra dahil kahit gano kasakit, tinitiis ko pa rin. isa kang duwag dahil hindi mo ako nakayanang ipagtanggol sa mga taong humamak sa ating relasyon. ngunit mas duwag ako dahil hindi pa rin kayang harapin ang katotohanang kailanman ay hindi ka na mapapasaakin. sa dinami-rami ng ating problema, hinarap ko yun ng mag isa. kailan kaya ako magigising sa kahibangang ito? kailan ko kaya masasabi sa sarili ko na, tama na... masyado nang marami ang luhang itinangis mo para sa kanya.. kailan ko kaya maaamin sa sarili ko na hindi ikaw ang lalaki na binigay ng Diyos para sa akin. Kailan kaya? gayunpaman, sa loob ng apat na sulok ng silid na ito, ako lamang ang makakaalam ng mga bagay na ito. dahil hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon... ngunit kailan pa? ah basta, ang tanging alam ko ay hindi ko pa kaya... mahal kita, mahal kita...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MArtIR

sa likod ng maskara, ako ay lumuluha
tumatangis sa pagtatapos ng pag ibig
na kailanman ay di talaga nagsimula.

hatinggabi
ngunit di dalawin ng antok
kinakabog ang dibdib
sa di maipaliwanag na damdamin
bakit kaya nakakulong pa rin
ako sa alaala ng iyong tinig?
habang ikaw naman ay masaya
sa kung kaninong bisig?

sigurado ka na bang siya na talaga?
o baka naman magbago pa
ang isip mong kung minsa'y kay labo
na talagang di ko makasundo
may pag asa pa ba?
o sadyang wala na...
sabihin mo lang pagkat akoy naghihintay..

matulog na lang kaya ako?
baka sakaling sa panaginip makatagpo
ng lalaking iibigin at di na maduduling
sa kakatingin sa landas na yong tatahakin
sadya yatang bulag ang pagibig
pagkat kahit mali'y hahamakin
and sakit na nadarama,
para lamang sa iyong ikaliligaya.

mamang masungit

hoy mamang masungit, pa kiss naman diyan!
aba, isang taon na akong nagpapaliit ng tiyan.
kailan mo ba papansinin ang kulay asul kong mga mata
at ang kulay mais kong buhok na aking pinasadya?
lahat na ata ng paraan upang makuha ang iyong atensyon
nagdasal, tumakbo sa oblation, nagpabutas ng ilong
hmmph, lagi na lang wa-epek sayo ang mga bagay na ito
siguro ay miyembro ka ng konferasyon, ano?
pero kahit pa di mo pansinin ang aking kagandahan
at patulan ang aking mga kahibangan
gusto ko lang sabihin na mahal talaga kita
kaya para sa iyo mamang masungit,itong aking tula...

paghihintay

sa ilalim ng mga bughaw na ulap
ako ay naghihintay
sa iyong pagbabalik na maaring
kailanman ay hindi maganap.
kay lalim na ng gabi
kay lamig na ng hangin
ngunit andito pa rin ako,
sa ilalim ng mga bughaw na ulap.

hihintayin ko ang bukang liwayway
baka sakaling bukas,
makita kong muli ang iyong mukha na minsan
ay nagpabilis ng tibok ng aking puso
baka sakaling bukas,
mahawakan ko ang iyong kamay
banayad at mapagkalinga
baka bukas sa bukang liwayway...

kailan pa ba ako maghihintay?
umaasa pa rin ako na ikaw ay darating
na ikaw ay babalik sa aking mga bisig
at tutuparin ang naiwang pangako
isang kahangalan, isang pagsuko
may pag-asa pa bang natitira?
dahil kahit gaano kita kamahal
nakakapagod din pala ang maghintay...

alterego

i stare at the rebel in front of me
awakening her senses, feeling her pain
you're different, i told her
she smiled back, and languidly spoke to me
you are my prayer.

she delved deeper, deeper, whirring my senses
i tried to hide, to cover my vulnerability
but her stolid eyes pierced my being
and left me half empty and craving for more
she is my saving grace.

with heavy breath, i try to follow her
as she runs faster i got lost
its coming down and zooming in
alas! i found her, high up in the stalwart
she is my worst enemy.

finally, she is arm's length
i can touch her, feel her flesh and break her bones
i throb in reluctant anticipation.
she is mine now. i can be her master, finally.
i woke and and opened my eyes to the brightness.
she is gone.
my alter ego.

11:45 PM 2/21/2004

4-man Claustrophobia

2:05 PM 8/13/2003
a week ago, i had one of the most terrifying 30 minutes of my life. i had to survive the presence of 3 people in my unwanted list. with all the stress im experiencing for the past 3 weeks, the last thing i wanted was to breathe the same oxygen as those people and hear them talk about thoushallnotbenamed's love life. okay, i admit that ive said im over him for the nth time.. its partially true but for them to talk about a situation where i am involved (and we're not even on speaking terms) was just downright nasty. if it wasnt for my dedication to my job, i wouldnt have sacrificed 30 minutes of my precious time with them. the air was filled with tension and i was feeling nauseated because of it. the first 10 minutes were fine. everything was civil and tolerable. but when burberry, my not-so-favorite person went inside the room, thats the time i could feel the hair on my nape stand up. it was enough of a torture to find some words to say to them, but it was even much of a torment to just shut up and listen to them harp about my ex's love life. it was as bad as hearing a fork scraping a blackboard. it was that bad..no, it was more than bad, it was horrible. while they went on blabbing about topics concerning thoushallnotbenamed, i cant help but wonder, why do we attract the presence of the people we least want to mingle with?

the same thing happened to my soulmate, anime, when he attended a drinking session with our acquaintances. he was saying that there was this guy who was being annoyingly flirty with him. anime, who was a self-confessed flirt, was not in the mood to do some hanky panky with that guy for many reasons. 1.) he was married 2.) he was with somebody(who is not his wife) 3.) and they were getting jiggy with it while he was flirting with him 4.) for the main reason that he just didn't want to. he was struggling to lambaste him with his favorite invectives, but probabably due to his not-so-high IQ, he didnt get the drift. he was relentless, and was being extraordinarily lame. my friend tubby and I were laughing our heads off when Anime started talking about this guy's pickup line. this guy, lets call him unwanted, said that he saw anime while he was jogging. although Anime is not that bad-looking, there is a .1% the philippine population that is that attractive to catch a person's attention WHILE jogging.. especially when theyre at least a hundred meters apart. aaaargh.. another case of an unwanted exchange of air. i pity him.

going back to my own story, my secret themesong (to help me relax) wasnt able to help me survive another 10 minutes with them. with my head bowed down, i went outside that four cornered room and let the hot tears escape me. i wanted to make them stop, to tell them to respect my presence, to just leave me alone but for the entire 30 minutes, all i was able to do was to shut the hell up. I am a fighter but i know that some battles are meant to be surrendered. you cant win a battle when you're claustrophobic and feeling naked with your clothes on.

all strings attached...

12:04 AM 6/24/2003

two months of freedom... but now, it has escaped me once again. all because of two frigging dreams. i thought im over him.. but like how our favorite song goes, i guess it aint over til its over. when did i start remembering? is it because im unhappy again? or is it because he looks better than the last time i saw him? i dont know for sure.. all i know is that im missing him and it's killing me. why is it like this? why is it so hard to forget someone but so dAmn easy to remember?

last saturday, i went to tagaytay with my favorite relatives. it was a surprise trip but i went anyways because i dreamt of thoushallnotbenamed. i wanted to forget that dream, to relax a bit and get out of the blues, only to find out that the entire trip will put me in deeper depression.

i cant remember the last time i forgot to remember him as i pass by SLEX. the thought never failed me.. once again, memories of him came flooding back in. as we entered the cool city of tagaytay, my initial purpose for going there was put to waste. everything about it gave me a piece of him. the first time we held hands, the first photo of us taken, the first touch of his hands on my unruly hair.. once again, im trapped inside his confining web. and the bad thing about it is that i dont know how to get out.. as always..

my cousin, pinky, and i just stayed inside the car while my uncle went upstairs of starbucks for his meeting. she looked at my wallet and looked at my belongings. while laughing our heads off at my grad picture, a small letter dropped and when we read it, instantly, hot tears rushed from my eyes.. it was a letter from him.. when we're still together. and i thought i eliminated every trace of him in my system.. think again, honey, think again.

the entire trip was full of his memories. we went to the seaside market where he used to always eat, the hotel where one of my blockmates celebrated her debut (one of the best times of my life).. the trip didnt get rid of the pain, it brought me more.. and although i should stop harping about these things, i cant. i guess memories are the hardest thing to control..

Just In TIme Love

jUst in time manufacturing system has been the rage in japan that other countries are also adopting this new fad to replace the "conventional" way of producing things. the idea here is that the acquisition of materials and the production itself will only be done once the order has been made. This in turn will decrease cost of production and cut the production process in half since you are only making what is absolutely needed. ALso, it decreases the problem of obsolence and overproduction. the only downside of this system is that there is a minumum tolerance for errors because such mistake may cost a company its entire business, BUt in general, the good side outweighs the bad side of it. Just in time system, according to our professor, is a bold but definitely a bright innovation. this discussion got me thinking.. if this system works so great for companies, can we use this procedure in our personal lives? can we control our emotions so that we will fall in love only when we are sure that we have found the One? in short, is there such a thing as Just in time love?

My soulmate, Anime, brought me a surprising news last friday night. He texted me and said he went out that day. at a normal circumstance, I would not have been half interested but i welcomed the distraction since my muscles were so tired of doing jumping ropes. i was all ears.. er, all eyes on what he was about to text. i have a boyfriend, said he. i was so shocked (but in a good way) and the first thing i could muster texting was a curse of disbelief. he assured me that he was not joking. i asked him the details like, who was the guy, where did they meet and whatnots. apparently, they only met that day but were texting each other for quite a long time. I was so happy for him that i forgot to scrutinize the bigger picture. Arent they taking things a bit too fast? well, the good thing is that they seemed to be so into each other. they didn't need a lot of time to get intimate. the day after they got together, my fears had crystallized. they broke up and decided that they were better off having a mutual understanding or MU. Anime said that they can get back when they are finally sure that they are truly in love. but for the meantime, he will just be there, doing the same things they do but without the commitment. this is what i consider as a case of playing it safe. he will only give love when he is sure that there is also love being returned. call it just in time love. he was cutting the cost of production or in a relationship mindset, he was putting the love-giving at a minimum so as not to be hurt deeply. they were also putting errors under control by not making a leap forward and taking a huge step backward.

honestly, i cannot help but agree with their decision to take things one step at a time. they needed to know each other more in order to produce a better quality relationship. this just in time love thingie may work after all. however, no system is perfect by itself. a careful analysis of things made me realize that the downside to JIT love is that this process is quite risk free. at the same time, there is no room for mistakes, which for me is a bad thing. sometimes, we have to dive head on for errors so that we may find the most precious lessons we could ever have. in love, its not really about being too sure about everything because in real life, nothing is accurate. sometimes we have to adopt the conventional way of falling in love, overproducing, encountering obsolence, and commiting mistakes now and then. these make love imperfect, but what the heck, they make it all the more interesting. :-)

victimized. victimized.

today, i had a once in a lifetime chance to do a prank on my entire org. and i took that chance, of course. my friend, beyonce ((not her real name) and I pretended to have a huge fight. it was real funny because if you knew a great deal about us, you would know that this situation is not entirely impossible. yes, we used to have a fight. and i rather not remember why. hmm, actually,its about whatsisface, my almost-but-not-quite ex. they were friends and we werent. well, at least during those times. it was petty, i tell you, but we never talked for almost 2 years because of that.

anyway, we were successful in building some tension. as a matter of fact, everyone in the room was holding their breath, afraid to say anything that might blow our top. it makes me laugh just remembering how they heaved a sigh of relief after beyonce placed our poster in front: Victim Extreme.

my friends hated/loved us for that oh so brilliant genmeet. but it kinda troubled me that most of the people there thought that we were capable of making such a scene. i also realized that no matter how close we get, there is no forgetting that rift we had. it will always be a monster haunting us,until our God-forsaken days.

Egay and the Ghost Stories

Last saturday, my friends and i had a day out of the urban world we got so used to inhabiting. i was 30 minutes early for the meeting so i had to stay inside the fastfood chain and eat breakfast alone. it was interesting for the first 5 minutes because i was eyeing this really cute chubby guy behind the counter. but as the time dragged on, it got really boring and unfortunately, depressing. 20 minutes after my arrival, and still no shadow of any of my friends, the mushy songs by Freestyle started to get into my nerves. like, wait, why am i acting this way? i was so sure of myself that i was over him but why am i make a big fuss out of the song Bakit Iniwan Pa? its not that im gonna use it as my theme song.. Oh, Please.. im so waaaaay over that stage. and then it occurred to me.. whatshisface hasn't called for the past 3 days. to give a short overview, whatshisface is the guy im currently "dating"... whatever that means. and so, in my moment of solitude, my ex started ruining my day..as always. in this case, the question is: in relationship, is it true that when your Present is away, your Past will Play?

30 minutes later, i finally saw my friends shorty and tubby on their way to our meeting place. tubby, my friend who made the entire trip possible, was unloading her depression on me. the big D was caused by her ex's non appearance at our meeting. she was saying a lot about moving on and leaving him behind but i heard that same banana 3 months ago. well, she debated, its a lot easier when he does not keep on appearing just when im about to start another relationship.. all i can say is, WHY DO THEY KEEP COMING BACK!!! an ex is an ex.. someone to be buried when he starts closing the doors on you. why do they (or their memories) keep on haunting us, the good girls serious about moving on? again, i wanted to stick a fork up on whatshisface's nose. Where is he when i need him most????

meanwhile, shorty had another story to tell. she and her ex are on speaking terms again. so the dilemma is that she cant keep their past out of the friendship fence. i cannot blame her , though. its hard not to think of their past together when 99% of their memories is under that category. Again, the immortal line was said.. "im over him.." but then again, shorty, maybe not.

the day went really well. my friends and i had a lot of fun. on our way home, we talked about ghost stories while typhoon Egay poured. not Shorty, tubby nor I ever mentioned our exes again. i guess like our discussion in the van and the weather, OUr ghosts went down the drain like they should all be.