Love: not for me to have. not for me to hold.

happy birthday to me..

one week before my birthday and my life is going down the drain. im mentally incapacitated, physically unwell and worst of all, emotionally impaired. a year ago, im feeling almost the same way, except the for the latter. last year, in spite of all the harassments of my daily existence, i had the love of my life with me to share these problems with. But now, im alone and feeling miserable. this is the loneliest birthday i will ever have. im so broken inside and no one but me knows about it. i am such a great actress that even my closest friends have no idea how pathetic my life is. outside, i always have that smile on my face, showing everyone that i can take the situation with ease. i have fooled everyone, everyone except myself.

8 months since he left me, and im still counting. i dont exactly know how the relationship fell apart. all i know is that when it did, it brought my whole world along with it.

our story is that of the other typical love stories. we're the best of friends. he always sought me out whenever he had a problem with his girlfriend. being the perfect friend, i would always comfort him and say things i knew would make him feel better. they broke up, i caught him and that indelible line was crossed. and things were never the same again.

at first, i had apprehensions about falling in love with him. he was my friend and during that time, that's all he was to me. i was also afraid that the friendship that we built for so long would be ruined. i cant let that happen, i said to myself. i would turn him down, and he would get depressed. he would cry a lot, and would beg me to take him back. i would always go weak-kneed and take him back. a month of this and i realized that im in love with him and that im willing to give the relationship a chance. although the fear of ruining the friendship was still there, he assured me that we will always be the best of friends no matter what happens. i started reciprocating his love for me but his friends, most of whom were girls, thought that i was just playing around and they started to hate me. they even started talking trash behind my back. this became the object of our constant quarrels. all i wanted was to hear him say that he will stand up for me whatever his friends say. but this he never did.

it came to the point where his friends and i stopped talking. i know that he was caught in the middle of a girl fight. but i felt that i deserve to be treated fairly by his friends. this went on for months, and i realized that i cant stand seeing him so hurt. even though i know that i had to fight for my right, i love him so much that i was the one who offered to reconcile with his friends. i thought everything would be okay between us, but it never did. he started growing cold on me, stopped spending time with me. he spent most of his time with his girl friends and i was always left behind. my friends didnt know im hurting because i dont want them to think that he's treating me bad. i was so in love with him that i was willing to experience all that pain.

but things got out of hand and i realized that no matter how much love i have for him, i have to save some for myself. it came to the point that he lied to me just so he can be with his friends. and that was the last straw. i had to let him go. i told him that he has to figure things out, to find out if he loves me as much as he claimed. i dont want him to feel that im making his world smaller. im dont want to barricade his happiness so i told him to come back when he was already sure and when he has enough strength to fight for me. but he never did. that's how our relationship ended, the relationship i fought so hard in keeping. but the fact that he fell out of love for me was not the main reason for my depression. it was the the fact that our friendship ended just like that.. without any effort of saving. that would kill me forever..

i still love him. and during times when i feel empty and broken, i would always wonder if i just stretched my patience a little longer, would things work out? but then i would realize that i cant fight this battle alone. he has to hold my hand and face the challenges with me. unless he does that, our relationship will just be a failure.

i can see that he's over me. he is living the life he is so used to spending. going out with his friends, having drinking sessions every week and sleeping over some friend's place. as for me, im still here, picking up the pieces of my broken heart. i can say that everything that happened was for the best. some things are just not meant to be. this pain is killing me, but if this is the price i have to pay for all the lessons this love has taught me, then i'll welcome it with open arms. at least when i finally find the ONE, things will be a whole lot better. but until that time comes, i'll put on my mask, post my everything-is-all-right smile, cry my heart out and watch the world pass by.
happy birthday to me... ( i wish)