No More Commas, Just a Period

Ayoko na sa yo.

All of a sudden, I cant stand to be with him. I'm really forcing myself not like him and although it is hard, is still achievable. Good thing that somehow I'm making progress.

I still think about him, still wish that he would look my way, still hope that everytime my phone would beep/ ring, it would be him. Difference now is that everytime i let even the tiniest of hope spring, i immediately negate the thought.

What's the point, anyway? its not that he'll ever like me in that way. I guess God built him that way, that indifferent, I'm-nice-in-general-but-not-to-anyone-in-particular way. I would like to believe that it is God's will to share him to the rest of the world and not be stuck with the same recipient of love. I would like to believe that, if that's the only way to lessen all these frustration i've been dealing with for the past weeks/ months now.

There are times when i just want to drop him like a hot potato, as a means of rebelling against him... wishing that he'll realize what he'll be missing if he pass up this chance for that great love. In the end, however, it's always me who loses.

Wala na. Sorry. You've just lost that one person who'll make you happy (and I have all the chutzpah to say this because i know this is true).

Sa larong ito, Touch move ka na.

Greenbelt-ing

after my presentation, we went to Greenbelt to have a dinner. We ate at Cascada (casca-duh as Ambec would say it) and can i just say, asin na naman ang uulamin ko til next sweldo. hehe.


mukhang masaya ah!


nakaw na shots kay Pie and kathy! welcome to the club :)


bookie, isa kang alamat


gelli, ang taray mo :P


ganda ng background :)


uuy, dudes


makabagong labteam, Ambec and Mark G!


gelli, andoy, sir ewik and Anna banana


nagpa-uto kami.. peer pressure


favorite teammates!

Updates from the Juke Box Queen

Disclaimer: Hindi ko na sha gusto, ATA.

Mga bagong Raves sa Music

As you all know, Working gehl na ako. Hindi na rin ako mashadong updated sa mga bagong Music although i try to be. What i do na lang is that i research on the new songs and/ or turn into a parasite once again and skim through my brothers' collections.

At eto na ang mga may thumbs up sa akin:

1. Copeland- the band sounds a lot like Death cab for Cutie although mas may edge sila. I've posted the lyrics of one of their songs (my favorite). Priceless has killer lines, especially the chorus.

... i need you like the dragonfly's wings need the rain
like the orphan needs home once again
like heaven needs more to come in
i need you here like you've always been

also, their other songs, Coffee, California, Walking Downtown and Take Care are also worth listening to. :)

2. The Killers- Great album... thanks to the OC, they are getting more airtime now. My favorite would still be "Mr. Brightside". I cant help but tap my feet and bob my head while listening to this song. Although they sing like they dont have any energy (kulang sa clusivol), i find their songs interesting and addictive. Also recommended are Smile Like you Mean It, Somebody told Me, On Top, Everything's Gonna be Alright (as played in the OC).

3. Mae- already did a review on this band :)

4. Coheed and Cambria- actually, i only like a couple of their songs. Medyo F na F kasi nung vocalist yung
pagkanta. at parang ang tining ng boses nya... I remember tuloy my HS schoolmate, Ian da Man.
listen to Wake Up :)

5. Coldplay- Pasensha na but ngayon lang kami nakabili ng album ng Coldplay. at hindi pa yung pinakarecent. We bought the first two albums... GALING, GALING!!! best Brit band to date! Shempre, super killer din yung Fix you na song. They always have to have a depressing song ano? You'll appreciate this song once you've seen the second to the last episode of the OC season 2.


... I just have to let it out of my system. SARAH MCLACHLAN's videos are WEIRD. DOWNRIGHT DISTURBING. i think im gonna have nightmares after watching the videos of Steaming, INto the Fire, Possessions. And why does she always have to be naked all the time? I love her but (shudders)...

FYI, ngayon ko lang nalaman na sha pala yung kumanta ng VOX. para pala shang si Charlotte Church.


do you have any idea about the things im talking (okay, writing) about?

huwaaaa.. never mind.

Huwaaaay?: Isang Usi sa PBB

Bakit...

...laging nasa kusina si Cass?
... at bakit laging isang dangkal lang ang damit nya?
...hindi makapag compose ng kumpletong pangungusap si Chx?
...bakit ang pa-cute ng nickname ni Chx? at bakit ganun ang pronunciation nun (chix)? dapat ang tunog nun ay (shks).
...bakit ganun magsalita si Sey? parang may nakadikit na mentos sa bibig?
...at bakit hindi nya kayang magsalita ng Tagalog kung tagalog or ingles kung ingles?
...bakit ang bading bading mo Uma, eh gwapo ka pa naman?
... bakit hindi ka tunog Israeli (or whatever your nationality is) at mas boses dalahirang bading ka na taga- kalentong?
... bakit hindi mashadong napapansin si Nene kahit na nagsuswim suit rin naman sha?
... bakit ba pinag-aaksayahan pa ni Sam si chx?
...bakit pa nagkukubli sa pangalang Big Brother kung pwede naman natin shang itago sa pangalang Lauren Dyogi? ganun din naman yun?
... Bakit ako naiistress sa yo, Sey??? Bakit?

... ah ewan.

Priceless

Copeland

I remember when I'd run to you
through field of white flowers
Your embrace is my air
How I needed you there
And all of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

And then I waved goodbye to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see that
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

Taking for granted
(taking for granted)
... all of her smiles
That got away

And now I'm looking up to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of you
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here

I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

La da da da...

Tapos na ang Paghuhukom

hahaha.

tapos na ang revalida ko. Malapit na akong maregular sa trabaho. yedey! yedey!

Shempre, ano ba ang isang mahalagang pangyayari kung wala ang mga "what are the chances?" na kaganapan?

(1) kailangan talaga na matintahan ng signpen ko ang putim-puti kong long sleeves before presentation, ano?
(2) kailangan talaga na 20 minutes akong pumepetiks habang nag iintay ng 4 kung kelan ako magpepresent tapos nung time na eh biglang nalaman ko na hindi ko pala na save yung presentation sa thumb drive dahil kelangan pa pala shang i convert. at kelangan talaga na pag isesave ko na sha sa laptop eh biglang maghahang yung laptop at kung kelan nagmamadali na ako sa pagsesave eh biglang may tatawag sa akin na hindi naman talaga para sa akin at mangungulit? at shempre, dapat ang kliyente na ito ay magtatanong ng rates ng 4 nyang anak, tapos yung sa kanya tapos kung kelan nabanggit ko na, saka nya sa akin papacompute-in? at hindi pa dyan nagtatapos ang lahat, kelangan talaga na kung kelan ako nagmamadaling ibaba yung phone, saka ako hihiritan ng kliyente ng " ano pa ba ang itatanong ko? (long pause) sandali lang ha?"
(3) kelangan magmukha talaga akong inutil sa harap ng mga supervisors before presentation dahil hindi ko maisaayos ang lcd projector. after 20 minutes, ang a million buckets of sweat later, i gave up and ask for the assistant Manager's help. turned out, hindi ko pala nasasaksak yung cable ng lcd projector sa laptop. Tanga.
(4) kelangan talaga na nagbabadyang tumulo ang aking sipon every 5 minutes sa harap ng mga bossings.

buhay nga naman.

Party Line: My Phone's Bugged

10.12.05
6.08 PM
Duration: 8.31
Tubby

Tubby: heeey!
Am: miss you. san ka na?
Tubby: andito pa rin sa starbucks (loud voices on the background).
AM: ano ginagawa mo diyan? mag isa ka lang nag aaral?
Tubby: kanina. ngayon hindi na. gusto mo bang pumunta dito? may usapan kami ni Queer na magkikita kami eh.
AM: i want nga kaso im sick eh.. im waiting for my bro to fetch me. bratinella mode ako, hindi ako isang commuting public today.
Tubby: aaaah.. are you coming to Galera?
AM: When ba? Basta not during the long weekend. I'm going to Baguio with my officemates eh.
Tubby: hmm, di ko pa alam when exactly eh. but Anime & Mamba confirmed already.
AM: eh ikaw?
Tubby: Ill try.
AM: ako pwede ako after all saints day. Gimik tayo! nag aaya si Dishwalla.
Tubby: I miss dishwalla! sige, right after my law finals.
AM: yedey! musta naman? kering keri mo yan.
Tubby: sana...
AM: Alam mo bang biglang nagtext sa akin sdi thoushallnotbenamed nagtatanong ng direction to Fernwood? siguro magdedate sila ni Beyonce. Hayup. ako pa ang tinanong.
Tubby: di ba hindi na sila?
AM: ha? hindi ah. sino nagsabi sayo?
Tubby: balita ko kasi nagkakalabuan na sila eh. alam mo na, estudyante pa rin si thoushallnotbenamed, at working girl na si beyonce.
AM: di ko alam yun.. pero i think theyre still together. kasi i saw them together sa Grandtrad. Siguro kaya ako tatanungin nun ay dahil magcecelebrate sila ng anniversary nila. I swear, if i wasnt sick, i'll boink him on the head.
Tubby: what an ass.
AM: I know..

after 8 minutes... we put the phone down.

1 text message from thoushallnotbenamed:

"ah, pano pumunta dun from UP? Nagpapasundo kc kapatid ko eh :) ikaw ung alam kng may alam nun. "

aaaaah... yun naman pala.

10.12.05
6.17pm
duration: 00.37
thoushallnotbenamed

AM: hoist!
thoushallnotbenamed: uy! musta?
AM: ok lang. nasa UP ka?
thoushallnotbenamed: hindi. nasa office ako ni beyonce. inaantay ko lang shang lumabas.
AM: ah, ok. ganito, from UP, daan kang balara tapos paglagpas mo ng Mcdo, hanapin mo uyng Sanville na subd. before yun ng gasoline station.
Thoushallnotbenamed: tatawid ako ng Commonwealth?
AM: oo. basta, hanapin mo yung gasoline station. di ko alam kung ano yun.
thoushallnotbenamed: ah ok. thanks.
AM: ok, bye.

text message.

10.12.05
5.34pm
sir ewik

"hi anna, sorry nauna na kami nila ms. gelli. Ingat sa paguwi. "

just as i was about to reply to the message, na matagal na palang on standby dahil marami akong tinawagan kaya di ko nabasa, he called.

10.12.05
6.19 pm
duration: .34

Sir ewik
am: po?
s. e: anna, si s.e. to. nasa office ka pa?
am: opo.
s.e.: matagal ka pa ba? kasi inaantay ka namin ni andy. baka kasi wala kang kasabay eh.
am: po? hindi ok lang po. may ginagawa pa po ako tsaka susunduin ako ng kuya ko eh.
s.e.: ah, ok. sige, anna. ingat sa paguwi.
am: sige po, thank you na lang.


haaaay... may kalituhan.

and they say technology's supposed to make your life easier.

Kwentong Chopsuey

i should be doing something but I'm too sick to do it.

I've had this horrible colds since Sunday and it has been hampering my enthusiasm to become productive.

Alam nyo ba na malapit na akong maregular sa trabaho? whoohoo! who would have thought I'd last this long? Not me, for sure. To think na a month ago, i was ready to throw in the towel. But look at me now... having my revalida in less than 48 hours.

I'm not very confident going into this revalidation process, although i would never try to discount my experience in orienting. I've had, like, a million orientations in less than 5 months. I'm just worried that I would talk very fast or i would unwittingly let out my sense of humor. This presentation should be serious, a quality I havent really mastered.

Shempre, now that i changed numbers/ have my own line, feeling mayaman na ako. Nakipagtelebabad ako kay Tubby for around 9 minutes talking nonsense. Actually, i was telling her how i much i miss her. but the real reason i called was to rant because out of the blue, thoushallnotbenamed texted me to ask something. what? i thought he was dead? Shempre, ako naman, nalito.

I thought naman kasi na kaya he was asking for the direction to this 'romantic', dream -like dating/ events place where he would take Beyonce. It suddenly occurred to me na almost a year (if not a year) na rin pala sila together. Malay ko ba na he was concocting a romantic candle light dinner by the garden? pero knowing him, he's not that creative. Hwewewe.

Yun pala, he was merely picking up his brother there. Ako naman, si feeling-mayaman, call naman ako. isa na akong tamad mag text kasi hindi conducive sa pagtetext ang phone ko. nagulat ata sha na i called kaya for formalities sake, he asked how i was. Ayun, sabi ko, ok lang. In an attempt to be casual, i asked him if he's in UP dahil yun ang vantage point nya eh. ahem, turned out that he was at Beyonce's office waiting for her to go out. SHempre, slap back to reality. O-k. sila pa rin (kasi there were rumors na di na raw nagwowork out ang 'long distance' relationship nila eh).

Not that I cared, really. (disclaimer na naman ba ito?) I've never pictured us getting back together in like a gazillion years. Wala lang, i just thought that our first ever conversation after graduation would be, well, different. yun lang.

Should i be depressed that none of my officemates (with the exception of ADi) has visited my blog baby? We are close, but are we that close to show them the more personal and intimate side of Anna banana? Am i ready to disclose to them the life that i have oh-so-graphically disclosed to the 2, +++ visitors of my blog, most of which are my friends who come by often (mga around ten lang sila... hehe.. tapos yung 1000 page visits, ako lang yun.. joke). After the near death experience, siguro ay panahon na nga.

Actually, im more concerned sa maaaring effect ng pagkabasa nila ng aking blog. Lalo na si MTB. SHempre, baka naman after nyang malaman na isa na shang constant visitor sa aking mga panaginip (cheesy pero true to life), F na F na nyang mahal ko sha. although i know na hindi naman sha ganun. Eh what if he ignores me na? Pweh. bahala na.

Speaking of panaginip, i dreamt of him again last night. Again, not in any way sexual. Para nga syang continuation nung panaginip ko the other night. This time, he introduced me to his parents. hahaha.. A view of things to come. hahaha.

Matutupad ang mga fantasy dialogues ko.

Ginagap ko ang kamay ni Father-in-law to be (FILTB) while saying,

" papa, i mean sir, gusto nyo ho ba talagang maging masaya si MTB? pwes, magtulungan po tayo. Wag po natin shang hayaan na maging single forever.
(looks at FILTB straightly)
... wala po akong maipapangako sa inyong yaman. ang tanging maipapangako ko lamang sa inyo ay magandang lahi, at walang sawang kaligayahan, sa anak nyo po, ok? i repeat, sa anak ninyo, hindi sa inyo."

Umandar na naman ang kakapalan ko.. but you know, im always kidding. hanggang hirit lang naman ako eh.

Kung nadadaan lang kasi ang mga bagay sa hirit.

... pero hindi...

By Starlight

The Smashing Pumpkins

And promise to be your one and only
I'll make you feel happy
And leave you to be lost in mine
And where will we go, what will we do?
Soon said I, will know
Dead eyes, are you just like me?
Cause her eyes were as vacant as the seas
Dead eyes, are you just like me?
And all along, we knew we'd carry on
Just to belong
By starlight I know you
As lovely as a wish granted true
My life has been empty, my life has been untrue
And does she really know, who I really am?
Does she really know me at last
Dead eyes, are you just like me?

also in my OST Blog: http://imitation_of_life.blogspot.com

Idlip

i like him immensely, but that doesnt mean I'm jumping off the plane without my parachute.

I appreciate people who warn me not to plunge head on into the 'love pool' specifically Tubby and Wondergirl. Don't worry girls, I'm just (almost, not completely) in love, not insane. Thanks to my constant cynicism and pessimism that cling to me like second skin, every ounce of temptation to assume earns me a ton of self-loathing and self- doubt.

I plan to not talk to him for a couple of days not because i want to play him hot and cold. I just want him to make up his mind about a lot of things, i.e. his readiness to take the plunge with me.

If not, then, fret not my beloved, I'll be alright.

I've had worse.

I dreamt of him last night. I cant remember exactly what we were doing. All i know is that we're acting almost exactly like we're acting in real life. We talked, we walked together, we smiled at each other a lot. The difference, though was at the last part of my dream.

He held my hand.

He never said the words I love you, he liked me, or anything that would pertain to a deeper appreciation of me. He just looked at me and held my hand in silence. Even in a trance, i had to hold back the urge to tell him how i feel. I remembered biting my tongue so as not to blurt the word mahal, honey, baby. God, even in my dreams, i still stick to my endearments.

With that simple gesture that is totally non-sexual in nature (i didnt mean to rhyme), he told me he felt the same way too.

It seems/ feels real.

... that's why it sucks...

because its not.

Overlooking

....

tonight, without so much as a meter proximity,

i sank deeper than i would allow myself to.

Tomorrow, i would once again

think of ways to sweep you off your feet.

tonight, however, ill sleep it off and wish that

tomorrow, i dont love you

as much as i love you today.

....

That Red Horse Spirit

There are so many things i want to tell you.
I'm just afraid that I will ruin the friendship we almost had and be left with nothing else to hold on to.
Not even the pseudo-friendship i tried in vain to create.
I know this shouldnt be as hard as it seems.
You are not capable of falling in love, I get that.
My head is doing its best to digest but my heart's too constipated to even let this truth go.
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?

... im getting kicked by the horse of depression...

Carpooling

i think i have fallen hard for you.

it scares me that i am allowing myself to put down all my guard for one guy who im not even sure is capable of falling in love.

i know its stupid of me to even gamble on someone who is so indifferent towards love. i told you so many times that its not bad to fall in love, to be with someone, to share your hopes, dreams, fears with someone. I've shown you in more ways than one how special you are to me, how much more i can offer.

I dont know if all my pleas of love have fallen on deaf ears, but still i try.

i think its the Red Horse talking but with the alcohol, i can freely say,


I think i love you... is there anything more to say?

Green Means Go, Red Means No, Yellow Means Uh-oh.

I had my first ever driving lesson today. That’s funny considering I have made a silent pact with myself (wait, im talking to myself more often than what is deemed normal. that’s creepy) that I will never bog down to the pressure of learning how to drive. Knowing my addiction to coffee and other caffeinated drinks, I jump at the slightest touch. I remember thoushallnotbenamed shouting at me for panicking when he swerved to another lane somewhere in North Avenue. That’s when I realized that it will be very difficult for me, and for passersby, if I try to even learn how to drive. I will have a heart attack, not from road rage, but from excessive panic.

So what made me put my feet on the clutch, so to speak? My brother pushed me to it. He said that he needed an alternate when he’s driving from work. Also, he prepped me into having a career in sales thus, it is imperative that I learn how to drive.

Don’t go into thinking that I have no dreams of having my own car. I do, in vivid details I must say. However, my fantasies entail a Brad Pitt looking chauffeur that would open the door and set a red carpet for me wherever I go. Ambitious? I say driven, no pun intended.

Anyway, we headed down to the cemetery where my brothers also had their first driving lessons. It’s kind of brilliant, I must say, to have chosen such a perfect location for such an activity. Its peaceful, quiet (of course), not heavily populated (not by living people, at least), the nearest place to where you would probably end up in should you be the most dim-witted driver.

Papa: tandaan mo, ang clutch ang buhay mo. Yan ang magpapaandar sa yo. Tapakan mo yung gasoline para umandar ka na. tapos, ang paghinto, dahan dahan din lang. basic lang yan. Timplahin mo ng tama. Dahan dahanin mo para di mahilo yung pasahero. Tandaan mo rin na sa driving, you use all your senses and that signals are very important. Basic stoplight rules. Green, go, tapak sa gasoline. Red, stop, step on the brake, pwede mo ring i-neutral saka ka magstop para hindi ka mamatayan ng makina.

My head was swimming. I’m not slow; I can understand my dad perfectly. It’s just that I was reminded of my conversation with Tubby last night about signals. Clearly, the universe is trying to tell me something. Is there a correlation? A cosmic connection, perhaps? What is there to learn?

Driving is about common sense. Love is not. Thanks to that thing called Mixed Signal.

How would I know if he likes me?

Green

He smiles at you constantly, tries to catch your eyes, and compliments you even on the most mundane things.

“I like uhm, the length of your pinkie. It’s very feminine”

He texts you everyday, even if you don’t text him back. He sends those mushy quotes, hoping that you’ll text him too. A simple k reply is enough to send his senses reeling.

He is suddenly wary of the number of moles you have on your lips, going to your area, even without a purpose, bothering you as if you don’t have enough things on your mind, only to see a glimpse of you.

He gives you flowers, candies, chocolates as if the words “pollen allergy” “diabetes” and “tooth ache” never existed.

Saying I like you/ I love you/ I have pictured you as the mother of our 4 babies and 2 pet dogs.

If he shows/ does at least two of these, you can be sure that he has feelings for you. You can rejoice now, or start calling the police for security purposes.

Red

You know he’s not into you when the following occurs:

He never responds to any of your text messages, even if it’s a life and death situation.

He ignores you completely every time you cross path in the hallway… even choosing to talk to a plant just to look busy.

HE finds it funny (and even joins in mocking) when people tell you that you look like Bebang, the female Michael V of Bitoy’s Believe it or Not.

He says he’s not into you. Period.

Take note that under such circumstances, perform a complete halt… With all your might, step on the brake, hopefully a stop that will cause your head some serious shaking. Maybe you’ll finally put in that tiny and assuming head of yours that he would rather be single for the rest of his than to be with you.

Yellow.

You’re on the verge of speeding it up since its still a go, but you’re scared that you’ll beat the red light and be slapped with a ticket for doing such. Plus, the damage is so much greater in this scenario than the other two. Should car crashes occur, the liability falls on the grey area. It could be the other car’s fault, for not giving you the chance to continue driving or it could also be you who is to blame since you stupidly stepped on the pedal even if you know that you should have slowed down.

MIXED SIGNALS.

He looks at you when you’re not looking and you even catch him still looking at you. Bad thing is that he has a blurred vision, thus, he may see you only as a vision, or maybe an apparition worthy of careful scrutiny.

He drives you home even if you live North of Edsa and he, South. The morning after, however, he greets you by saying, “ang layo pala ng sa inyo” and harps on it the entire day. You on the other hand, cannot decide whether he’s feeling your “commuting pain” or just simply complaining. Afternoon comes and he sweeps you off your feet by saying “you are always welcome” and “I’m always happy to help”.

You’re the only girl he asks to text him once you get home after a late-night thingy with friends (including him). Once you get home, and does the thing he asks you to do (which is to text him), he doesn’t reply. No k, no g’nyt, no nothing.

He smiles at you like you’re the only girl on the planet then looks away after a second like you never existed.

Should you see these signs, please, please, please, PROCEED with CAUTION. You might be reading a different signal, which will eventually cause the end of the world as you know it.

And yes, always put on your seatbelt. It never hurts to take some safety measures. It’s not enough that there’s an airbag to cushion your fall, ahem, the blow pala. With your seatbelt on, you’ll be saved from even hitting the dashboard.

A bruise is better than a scar. Always.

Lost in Translation

I don’t know which one I like better: Knowing immediately that he doesn’t like me at all or having to live with all the frustrations, confusions, kilig factors brought about by mixed signals.

Admit it, there’s something crazily beautiful about playing the ‘guessing game’. Considering that I love the challenge, the chase and the chutzpah that comes with overcoming the first two, expect me to relish all the drama of playing patintero with assuming and staying dense.

I must say, and this is in all honesty, that I am not the assuming type. As much as possible, I try not to sensationalize guys’ behavior towards me. Until such time that he tries to place a big one on me or tries to undress me, I will continue to assume that he just wants us to be friends. The fact that most of my ‘almost relationships’ started from ‘best-friendships’ kind of ruins the entire non-assumption mantra since this borders on the intersecting venn diagram (thus not mutually exclusive).

But still…

I don’t know how to make of the things that’s happening to me. I think, no, im sure that I like him but I can’t see a future with him. As my friend would put it, “you are the extreme opposites”. Ambec, thanks for reminding me and dampening my already self-deprecating spirit.

On the other hand, if I finally realize that he’s not capable of falling for me too, it would be both a relief (since I wouldn’t have to go through a series of humiliation.. well, not as much) and depressing (since I like him so much and I would therefore go back to being inspiration-less).

Choices. Choices.

On an unrelated note, I am deeply disturbed upon the realization that I, indeed, have a permanent smile. Now, I’m on a search for the 2nd niche smile that would entail lesser muscle movement yet achieve the “charmingly disarming” effect I have gainfully mastered.

Going back to my previous dilemma, it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one incurring massive eyebags due to the “vague plague”. Tubby and I had a similar discussion last night when I told her the reason of my constant distress.

…It was like the drive home from the prom I have always wanted. I was wearing my glamorously fashionable red and white shawl-like pashmina, sitting beside him on the passenger seat, talking about my passion that is music. The effort was there considering he lives just a stone throw away from where we left and I live in another universe, causing him an hour and a half lag time on his sleeping time. It would have been perfect, would have been complete… if only he feels the same way for me too…I can never be sure. I can never assume. And yet…

Wishful thinking.

Parke

*dito sa parkeng ito natin pinagsaluhan ang mga alaala ng aking kabataan*
*dito sa parkeng ito mo nakita ang aking pagbabago*
*dito sa parkeng ito mo ako iniwan*

galing ako kanina sa parke kung saan madalas tayong magkita noong ako'y bata pa.

Bitbit ko ang aking bag na may lamang wallet na walang pera, cellphone na walang load, at ipod na walang battery. Siguro ay sinadya ng tadhana na alisin lahat ng makamundong bagay upang mas lalo kitang mapagtuunan ng pansin... upang mas lalo kong masariwa ang iyong alaala.

Ang tagal ko na rin palang di napupunta sa parke ano? Ganun na nga ata talaga ang panahon, mabilis at nakakaliyo. Parang kailan lang, kay dalas kong tumakbo at maglaro rito kasama ka. Ngayon, ibang klaseng pagtakbo at paglalaro na ang ginagawa ko. Yung mas nakakapagod, mas nakakalungkot. Mas masarap talagang makipaglaro sa iyo kaysa sa mundo.

Naalala ko pa noon, dinadalhan kita ng pagkain. Minsan chicharon, minsan softdrinks, madalas tinapay. Masaya talaga kapag nagpipiknik kasama ka. Habang kumakain, madalas akong humiga sa tabi mo, kontento lang na nakahilig sa malamig na bato.

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Umihip ang malakas na hangin, pinutol ang aking pananariwa ng kahapon. tumingin ako sa paligid, mag-isa lang pala ako. Tumingin ako sa mga damong tumutubo, mamasa- masa pa dulot ng pagulan ng nagdaan gabi. Tumalungko ako at nagsimulang pulutin ang mga tuyong dahon na nahulog mula sa punong itinanim pa ni papa.

Nagsimula na namang tumulo ang luha sa likod ng itim na salamin aking suot. Masakit pa rin pala hanggang ngayon. Kahit ang tagal tagal mo nang nilisan ang buhay ko, nararamdaman ko pa rin ang kawalan at alam kong kahit kailan, di na ito mawawala.

Alam mo bang kahit kay tagal na ng huli mong yakap at paghalik sa akin, naalala ko pa rin sha na parang kahapon lamang ito naganap? Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang banayad na paghaplos mo sa aking buhok, ang matamis na pagdampi ng iyong labi sa aking mukha. Kung nandito ka pa rin sana sa buhay ko, ano kayang mangyayari sa akin? Ibang tao siguro ako. Hindi mas mabuti, hindi mas masama... Iba lang.

Umihip na naman ang malakas na hangin. Bakit ganun? kay init naman ng araw? Siguro ay kailangan ko na ring umuwi. Ngunit bago ko gawin yun, kumuha muna ulit ako ng isang alaala mo.

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Paalis na ako lulan ng aming sasakyan. Lumingon uli ako sa huling pagkakataon upang magsambit ng aking pamamaalam. Sa susunod uli. Sana ay masaya ka....



Mama, namimiss pa rin kita. Sana ay maligaya kang nakatunghay sa aming paglaki. Ang aking tagumpay ay inaalay ko pa rin sa iyo. Mahal kita. Iduyan mong muli ako.


*tara at samahan mo akong tumakbo palayo sa mundong ito*

My Heart's on the Dashboard (of my love's automobile)

I'm feeling Dashboard today.

Shempre, im listening nonstop to Dashboard confessional's album. I cant help it. I'm just way over my head.

"color the coast with your smile, its the most genuine thing i've ever seen... I was so lost but now, i believe" :)

unic: pero baka naman kasi it's time to discover a different side of you.
unic: baka akala mo lang di ganun un gusto mo, pero in the end.. pagod ka na rin sa life na you're living (sic).
unic: parang, masarap magsalita,, dumaldal.. pero at the end of the day, you long for silence.
unic:
anna banana: ganun? or maybe, he needs to spice up his life and im the jalapeno
unic: hahahha.. pwede rin.

i need a lifestyle check. anything for him.

Kwentong Narcoleptic.

wala ako sa mood mag english ngayon.

kauuwi ko lang sa bahay galing sa pagga-gallivanting (how 70's) ko sa makati. Shempre, isang huling katoxic-an sa opisina bago umuwi.. ang ending, mga 630 na ako nakaalis ng offfce. Peste... ang rule ko pa naman ay bawal ma Stress/ Toxic tuwing friday.. bakit? kasi, weekend na, tapos, sweldo pa... and finally, kasi base nga sa current favorite song ko, FRIDAY IM IN LOVE. totoo yan. mahal ko na sha yung nga lang, talagang Hollowman ang dating ko sa kanya.

kakatawa.

may 2 taong nagsabing ang "lusog" ko ngayon. Yung isa, malinis ang intenyon. Not malice, ika nga ni Gorj. yung isa naman, nakita lang ang aking 'twin ambassador of lust' (an allusion to The OC), nasabihan na akong malusog. pano ba naman, nagpapaka high class fashionista ako sa office. Yung pink, wrinkled, polka dot baby top ( yung isa lang yung buttons sa taas tapos open yung baba) ko ay hindi na wrinkled dahil pinaghirapan ni Ate yen na plantsahin. Nasira ang style. actually, in an attempt to solve the fashion emergency, 2 linggo ko na shang tinatry i-crumple. tinatali ko ung baba nya to get the gusot effect but to no avail... ayun.

So what i did was to tie it a la "grease effect" and to put the ends inside the shirt... so in effect, para na shang bolero therefore, emphasizing my overrated breasts.

i finally got my company ID after 5 months of working. pero wala pa rin yung proximity card ko so my very nice officemate informed the HR. pinapunta tuloy ako sa HR..shempre, pag pasok ko, napa "ganda!" yung isang HR officer na guy.. at tinukso po ako sa kanya. good luck.

after i left the HR dept, i checked my email and voila! he emailed me.

Subject: no kidding

message: "pretty mo nga.. no joke. "

o-k. Not interested.

Namulubi na naman po ako.. pano ba naman, we (ms. gelli, andoy, lean ) ate at Mann hann sa glorietta.. isang linggong asin na naman ang kakainin ko...

kasabay ko si gorj pauwi. we took the last MRt ride going north and what the hey! binagyo po kaming dalawa. wala kaming masakyan na taxi. we took the bus to munoz and rode a cab to take me home.

Come morning, nalaman ko na nahulog ko pala ang wallet ko sa labas. buti na lang at walang nagtangka.

Inaantok na ako.