Green Means Go, Red Means No, Yellow Means Uh-oh.

I had my first ever driving lesson today. That’s funny considering I have made a silent pact with myself (wait, im talking to myself more often than what is deemed normal. that’s creepy) that I will never bog down to the pressure of learning how to drive. Knowing my addiction to coffee and other caffeinated drinks, I jump at the slightest touch. I remember thoushallnotbenamed shouting at me for panicking when he swerved to another lane somewhere in North Avenue. That’s when I realized that it will be very difficult for me, and for passersby, if I try to even learn how to drive. I will have a heart attack, not from road rage, but from excessive panic.

So what made me put my feet on the clutch, so to speak? My brother pushed me to it. He said that he needed an alternate when he’s driving from work. Also, he prepped me into having a career in sales thus, it is imperative that I learn how to drive.

Don’t go into thinking that I have no dreams of having my own car. I do, in vivid details I must say. However, my fantasies entail a Brad Pitt looking chauffeur that would open the door and set a red carpet for me wherever I go. Ambitious? I say driven, no pun intended.

Anyway, we headed down to the cemetery where my brothers also had their first driving lessons. It’s kind of brilliant, I must say, to have chosen such a perfect location for such an activity. Its peaceful, quiet (of course), not heavily populated (not by living people, at least), the nearest place to where you would probably end up in should you be the most dim-witted driver.

Papa: tandaan mo, ang clutch ang buhay mo. Yan ang magpapaandar sa yo. Tapakan mo yung gasoline para umandar ka na. tapos, ang paghinto, dahan dahan din lang. basic lang yan. Timplahin mo ng tama. Dahan dahanin mo para di mahilo yung pasahero. Tandaan mo rin na sa driving, you use all your senses and that signals are very important. Basic stoplight rules. Green, go, tapak sa gasoline. Red, stop, step on the brake, pwede mo ring i-neutral saka ka magstop para hindi ka mamatayan ng makina.

My head was swimming. I’m not slow; I can understand my dad perfectly. It’s just that I was reminded of my conversation with Tubby last night about signals. Clearly, the universe is trying to tell me something. Is there a correlation? A cosmic connection, perhaps? What is there to learn?

Driving is about common sense. Love is not. Thanks to that thing called Mixed Signal.

How would I know if he likes me?

Green

He smiles at you constantly, tries to catch your eyes, and compliments you even on the most mundane things.

“I like uhm, the length of your pinkie. It’s very feminine”

He texts you everyday, even if you don’t text him back. He sends those mushy quotes, hoping that you’ll text him too. A simple k reply is enough to send his senses reeling.

He is suddenly wary of the number of moles you have on your lips, going to your area, even without a purpose, bothering you as if you don’t have enough things on your mind, only to see a glimpse of you.

He gives you flowers, candies, chocolates as if the words “pollen allergy” “diabetes” and “tooth ache” never existed.

Saying I like you/ I love you/ I have pictured you as the mother of our 4 babies and 2 pet dogs.

If he shows/ does at least two of these, you can be sure that he has feelings for you. You can rejoice now, or start calling the police for security purposes.

Red

You know he’s not into you when the following occurs:

He never responds to any of your text messages, even if it’s a life and death situation.

He ignores you completely every time you cross path in the hallway… even choosing to talk to a plant just to look busy.

HE finds it funny (and even joins in mocking) when people tell you that you look like Bebang, the female Michael V of Bitoy’s Believe it or Not.

He says he’s not into you. Period.

Take note that under such circumstances, perform a complete halt… With all your might, step on the brake, hopefully a stop that will cause your head some serious shaking. Maybe you’ll finally put in that tiny and assuming head of yours that he would rather be single for the rest of his than to be with you.

Yellow.

You’re on the verge of speeding it up since its still a go, but you’re scared that you’ll beat the red light and be slapped with a ticket for doing such. Plus, the damage is so much greater in this scenario than the other two. Should car crashes occur, the liability falls on the grey area. It could be the other car’s fault, for not giving you the chance to continue driving or it could also be you who is to blame since you stupidly stepped on the pedal even if you know that you should have slowed down.

MIXED SIGNALS.

He looks at you when you’re not looking and you even catch him still looking at you. Bad thing is that he has a blurred vision, thus, he may see you only as a vision, or maybe an apparition worthy of careful scrutiny.

He drives you home even if you live North of Edsa and he, South. The morning after, however, he greets you by saying, “ang layo pala ng sa inyo” and harps on it the entire day. You on the other hand, cannot decide whether he’s feeling your “commuting pain” or just simply complaining. Afternoon comes and he sweeps you off your feet by saying “you are always welcome” and “I’m always happy to help”.

You’re the only girl he asks to text him once you get home after a late-night thingy with friends (including him). Once you get home, and does the thing he asks you to do (which is to text him), he doesn’t reply. No k, no g’nyt, no nothing.

He smiles at you like you’re the only girl on the planet then looks away after a second like you never existed.

Should you see these signs, please, please, please, PROCEED with CAUTION. You might be reading a different signal, which will eventually cause the end of the world as you know it.

And yes, always put on your seatbelt. It never hurts to take some safety measures. It’s not enough that there’s an airbag to cushion your fall, ahem, the blow pala. With your seatbelt on, you’ll be saved from even hitting the dashboard.

A bruise is better than a scar. Always.