I Just Want to Say...

That life is great.

My Happiness is on its way.

Thank you, LORD!

Unkabogable GV. This is it, pansit.

Eat. Pray. Love(life)

Yes. I need to shake things up. If I want a complete overhaul of my life, I have to start doing things I’ve been putting off for years---like getting my MBA degree, losing another 5 pounds, and breaking the status quo.

I want to start another chapter of my life with a totally different set of characters (except for the mainstays, i.e. my family and friends). Change will be good for me. God-willing, I will be able to find the career that He has set for me, in another zip code, or hopefully, another country code. It’s not that I’m running away. I’m not. But I am not ashamed to admit that I’m not strong enough to do it on my own when every nook and cranny of this place is stigmatized by memories from my past. Plus, isn’t it more appealing to write my new chapter in a different language? Sounds good. Sounds real good.

 

Ang Stigma ng Pagiging Single

Bakit ba palaging may negative connotation ang pagiging single? Isang araw, gusto kong magpa survey upang malaman. Sa dinami-raming issues sa mundo, tulad ng world peace, global warming, end of the world at RH bill, palagi na lang tampulan ng usapan ang pagiging single. Sige na nga, minsan, masarap pag usapan ang ibang bagay tulad ng politics, nagparetoke ba talaga si Kim Chiu, karapat dapat ba si Ms. Angola bilang Ms. Universe at kung ano ano pa. Pero at the end of the day, palagi na lang bumabalik sa usapang pag-ibig.

Hay nako.

Eh ano kung mas marami na ang ratio ng babae kesa sa lalaki? Pwede namang maging lesbyana.

Eh ano kung dumarami ang mga becky at paminta? Kung si Ogie Diaz nga at Tita Swarding, may anak, yung iba pa kayang cute naman pero confeeermed lang?

Eh ano kung habang tumatanda kaming mga babae ay nababawasan unti unti ang mga prospects? Kaya nga naimbento ang konsepto ng pagiging cougar.

Eh ano kung may hinahabol kaming biological clock? Ano ang ginagawa ng siyensya or bahay ampunan.

EH ANO KUNG SINGLE AKO?

Hindi naman porke single, di na pwedeng maging masaya. At wala rin namang assurance na pag may karelasyon ka, maligaya ka na. Di naman palaging tama ang katagang “the more, the merrier.” Minsan, ang totoong tama lang ay “the more, the many-er.”

(eh sinong mag-isa ngayon?)

Kamote.

Note to Self

Ang malungkot, pangit. Ktnxbye.

The Best Laid Plans

Imagine how much God’s grace can do for one person.

My state today is the lightest I’ve been for months. I just came from a very fulfilling weekend with family and friends. I am overflowing with so much positive energy that I’ve actually forgotten why I was depressed in the first place. I can honestly say that my happiness is not superficial: it’s a joy that’s coming from a very good place.

The Ground Work:

12:40am, Sunday morning, I was readying myself to fall asleep when I heard my phone ring and Legolas’ smirking face appeared. Answering with a disgruntled hello, Legolas replied, “Banana, simba tayo bukas.” Apparently, he watched an end of the world video via youtube that shook him to his core. Given that it was his birthday and his cutie GF, Arwen* was on duty, I said yes, not knowing that instead of me doing him a favor, he was actually the one giving me a priceless gift—the gift of God’s word.

I had no expectations or reservations about going to a Christian Church. If you knew me, I’ve never been the religious type. However, I want to believe that I have a personal relationship with God. With all the emotional turmoil that I have been experiencing, I heeded Geejay and CeeLo’s advice to turn to God. Thanks to Legolas, I had the perfect venue.

Even before I entered the church, I was given a handout on overcoming depression and disappointments. The topic of the service was spot on. It was about turning negative emotions into blessings. For the past few weeks, whenever I would whine, my friends would tell me to count my blessings. I heard this not once but one too many times that it has become cliché. However, listening to real-life struggles by other people helped me appreciate this adage more. It was like I was given a brand new ear to listen and a clear mind to digest its meaning. For a full hour, I feel, no, I knew God was speaking to me, especially through the following verses:

Lamentations 3:21-26

“But this I call to mind; therefore I have hope. The Lord’s loyal kindness never ceases; His compassions never end. They are fresh every morning; Your faithfulness is abundant! My portion is the Lord,” I have said to myself, so I will put my hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who trust in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait patiently for deliverance from the Lord.”

It took all my strength to choke back my tears. It was just beautiful.

When I left that morning, the message was crystal clear.

All the happiness and challenges that we encounter are like bricks on the path that would bring us closer to the realization of God’s plan for us. Tread with joy, enjoy the journey and put your complete trust in HIM.

(to be continued)

Tuesday: Choose Happiness Day

If there is one monumental thing that Tubby taught me during our stay in Cebu, it was how to compartmentalize feelings. I have said one too many times that in terms of personality, Tubby definitely has the best one. She has the longest patience among all of us, she seldom gets angry (although candid photos taken of her would say otherwise) and apparently, she never lets the stress of being cursed by her boss ruin her vacation. If I had been the one to receive the brunt of the invectives, I would have cried, NO, bawled over my unspoiled glass of Margarita and would be totally inconsolable for the next three days. But Tubby, with her usual high EQ-ness, was able to take in everything that was hurled at her and throw it right back to the wind. It was like she has this secret stash of sunshine that lets her get stoned with happiness even when the world around her is crumbling into pieces.

Taking in this good vibe that I got from her, I had to somehow put this “compartmentalizing” lesson to the test. Everybody knows that these past few weeks are not exactly my favorite so staying positive seems like a herculean task. The good thing about it is that I have massive support from my friends. Perksquad keeps me laughing and occupied, CeeLo always drops me a line or two to make sure that I’m still alive, and my boys (Legolas and Spongebob) stuff my face with food and laugh at my face to make me realize that I am not as fragile and weak as I want myself to believe.

Everyday, it would take some conscious effort to stay on track—and sometimes, there are days when it is doubly hard not to lash out or let my emotions get the best of me. Last Tuesday was one of those days. Apparently, I had an early morning meeting with some very important clients and our VP. Stupid me, I didn’t double check my calendar to confirm the time. All the while, I thought the meeting would be held in the afternoon. Most days, I would come to work earlier than 8am. I don’t know why, of all days, I had the patience to wait for a shuttle instead of riding a cab (only to give up after 40 minutes of futility) and why, of all days, the cab we finally hailed had to be the slowest one in this universe. And to make matters worse, it bogged down somewhere inside the jungles of Mandaluyong. Thankfully, it was already near Rockwell and I was able to get a replacement taxi immediately, but only after I got soaking wet due to the pouring rain which stopped the moment I got inside the cab. Just beautiful. And to think, I had been gaily reading Atlas Shrugged that very morning, relaxed and ready to take on the challenges the world has for me. Gak, I hate falling into that pit of false sense of security.

Fortunately, I was only a bit late for my 9am meeting (10 minutes to be exact). Unfortunately, I did not have the time to look half decent for my audience. My hair had gone haywire (frizzy as hay, hard as wire), my eyes had become a (display) window to a troubled, sleepless soul, and I was as pale as a zombie. Need I say that I am not a morning person? I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON--- especially when caffeine has not gotten into my system.

Nonetheless, I carried on with confidence and grace. Not to mention that I no longer had the time to hyperventilate about my physical state or care about the “are you sick” look that I got from everyone. The meeting went well and following the art of compartmentalizing feelings, I did not let the stress of that morning ruin a good day. I folded it, like one folds an old shirt, and hid it in the crannies of my “charge it to experience” compartment.

This is the start of a very worthwhile walk to the paradise of Moving On.

------------------------------------------------------------------

CeeLo, Legolas and James Franco (my super friend formerly known as Spongebob), this is me keeping my promise. Thank you for always looking out for me.

In Repair

By John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready

Oh but if i take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while

To wait for the wind to blow down on me

Hoping it takes with it my old ways

And brings some brand new look upon me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready

Oh but if i take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unsteady

I am in repair, i am in repair

And now I’m walking in a park

All of the birds they dance below me

Maybe when things turn green again

It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready

Oh but if i take my heart's advice

I should assume it's still unready

Oh I’m never really ready, I’m never really ready

I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there

The Realization

Yes, I do admit that I tried to move on and allowed others to take a chance to love me---- falsely believing that it will be easier to swallow the fact that you and I can't seem to make things work. But at the end of the day, it only made me realize that I'd rather end up alone than be with someone else. I held on, as promised. I love you then, now, and maybe forever. It was our promise to each other, a vow that not both of us was able to keep, a vow that I will stay true to in silence and solitude.

A love that tried to move on but can't, is the love that is the most painful of all. Because the other one has already let go while the other one has to live with the lie that she can still find somebody else to make her heart beat as much as he did.

This is me drowning.

Living in Your Letters

I wish I could go back in time...
back to those unspoiled moments
in our relationship
before hurt ever touched our hearts,
before doubt ever entered our minds.
Because if I could go back and start
from those moments once more,
i would hold you longer,
never miss a chance to tell you
how much you mean to me...
and I would never, ever hurt you.
But I know that we can't go back to those days.
I know I can't erase the mistakes
I can't take away the questions
you must have
or the hurt that we both feel.


But I can assure you of one thing:

I Love You---

as I did then and as I always will.


*** taken from a hallmark card he gave me, undated, after one of our fights. I could never have said it better.

I think its time to clean out my closet.

The Answer

*******

My heart is fragile. I am weak to my core. I've never felt more vulnerable. But listening to this song brought meaning to my pain and clarity to do the thing I need to do, the only thing to get me through this period of confusion and brokenness.

And that is to surrender EVERYTHING to HIM. Fully, unconditionally, UNQUESTIONINGLY.

Lord, I am Yours to love, heal and mend. I lift everything to You. I will listen.

*******

Let Your Love Be Strong

By Switchfoot

In this world of news

I've found nothing new

I've found nothing pure

Maybe I'm just idealistic to assume that truth

Could be fact and form

That love could be a verb

Maybe I'm just a little misinformed

As the dead moon rises

And the freeways sigh

Let the trains watch over the tides and the mist

Spinning circles in our skies tonight

Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles

Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

Let your love be strong

And I don't care what goes down

Let your love be strong enough

To weather through the thunder clouds

Fury and thunder clap

Like stealing the fire from your eyes

All of my world hanging on your love

Let the wars begin

Let my strength wear thin

Let my fingers crack

Let my world fall apart

Train the monkeys on my back to fight

Let it start tonight

When my world explodes

When my stars touch the ground

Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong

And I don't care what goes down

Let your love be strong enough

To weather through the thunder clouds

Fury and thunder clap

Like stealing the fire from your skies

All that I am hanging on

All of my world resting on your love

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858631612/

The Awakening

There are three signs of a hypocrite: when he speaks he speaks lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when he is trusted he betrays his trust." - Muhammad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was nothing like I expected our meeting to be.

For some reason, I had expected us to be alone, inside a coffee house, sharing our stories of heartbreaks and sadness. I never expected my friends to be there, holding a beer bomb instead of coffee, and laughing maniacally for hours.

I had initially doubted the appropriateness of meeting him as we may be picking on each other’s wounds and planning revenge or self-annihilation. But after talking to him, I realized that God had wanted me to meet him---this is His way of saying that He has a better plan for me.

I admire him for his strength and optimism. After learning what exactly transpired, it made me think how self-centered I was for thinking that I am the only victim. Compared to him, I actually got off unscathed ---the only damage I incurred was for the love of my life, the guy I had placed in an unimaginable pedestal, to destroy the sanctity of our relationship by saying that I was unfaithful to him; that I had been dating/ liking someone else while we’re still together, thus, the breakup. I must say that learning how he painted me to his friends and officemates opened my eyes to the fact that he is not man enough to own up to his shortcomings. I know that I share part of the blame for our relationship not working, like my absorption with work, my lack of patience, my inability to put in concrete form how much I loved and treasured him, but NEVER had I been unfaithful to him during the (almost) 4 years we’d been together. NEVER. Not even when he questioned my being, not even when he told me hurtful things over and over again. If he would just be honest with himself, he would be able to come to terms that it was over the moment he left me alone in the middle of that public place, crying over an implied accusation. No one deserved to be treated like that. Especially someone who gave all her love and trust in one person who has proven himself unworthy.

But again, my pain is nothing compared to what he experienced. The girl he loved not only left her due to his inability to provide her a comfortable future, but he was betrayed by a person he considered a friend. If he were less of a man that he is, he would have plotted his revenge and physically manifested his pain. But he did not. He found solace in God and comfort in the knowledge that he is living his life with a clear conscience. If for anything, he treated this nightmare as a blessing in disguise for he now knew who his friends are and he got saved from a deceitful relationship. This is once again a proof of how great God is. Don’t worry, C, you have my full support and friendship. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth and for inspiring me to become a better person.

To you who once held my heart, it disappoints me that you have become this person who no longer puts significance on the virtues of trust, honesty and friendship. I had so much faith in you, so much respect. I had always believed you to be better than this, and a part of my heart still does--- although it has been proven time and again that one can get easily corrupted if he surrounds himself with people who are self-serving and have no sense of justice. I hope it is not too much to ask for honesty and respect. If you cannot admit the reason why we broke up, then just shut up and stop pinning the blame on me. Unlike other people, I put a high value on truthfulness and fidelity, no matter what you want to believe.

This is just the start of your journey—a time for discovery and learning. Re-build your house with truth as your foundation and may you both find peace of mind and happiness with a clear conscience.

C, we’ll get right the next time. We may not get what we want, but we will always get what we deserve… and for sure, it will be so much better.

the Ber-shirk Chronicles

I am bored out of my wits. It’s not the lack of work to do but the lack of energy to do it. Good vibes, baby, good vibes.

This morning, the cabbie I was riding broke down in one of the ungodliest places in all of EDSA--- the Shaw Tunnel. Not only is it dark and polluted, but it will be almost impossible for you to get an empty cab to get you out of there. But yes, TODAY of all days--- on a MONDAY morning, anticipating/ dreading a coffee “date” with someone who, I’m pretty sure, gets 90% of what I’m feeling and would therefore drive me to tears, and on a day I still lack some sleep from baking my first lasagna. Aaah, the shit that happens to me when I’m on my way up.

So there I was standing like a moron in the middle island, in my brown dress and 4-inch wedge, holding what seemed to be like a 5-kilo handbag, my laptop and two Tupperwares of lasagna, waiting for an act of God to save me. 15 minutes of absorbing all the pollution and feeling like a goldfish inside an aquarium being curiously ogled by the cars that passed me by, a cab finally stopped and took us in (my co-cabmates). 28 minutes late is still not bad considering how late my other officemates came in. So, this is still a start of a good week, right?

Anyways, the point of this post is that there is no point at all. I just love shirking…Or better yet, I just love doodling nonsense while waiting for my doomsday. I don’t even know how this coffee thing came about. I don’t know what I should expect to hear. All I know is that my hands are clammy and there’s a pit in my stomach that I cannot explain. Whatever it is that he will say should not make me spiral back to the infinite abyss of sadness. If, for anything, I should be happy that someone is willing to purge it all out with me. As the song goes, misery loves company.

And the other half of my misery is just a few hours away.

...and I'm Back!

It was a great three days spent with my best friends in a city away from all the emotional baggage I've been carrying. Never mind that I was sick 75% of the time or the fact that I still answer emails as part of my obsession with work. It was just pure bliss laughing and being carefree with people who accept you for who you are (un-skinny bitch that I am---an allusion to our Temptation Island day).

So mostly, our trip consisted of pigging out, looking for places to dance (epic fail, though), drinking girly drinks, endless photo shoots, and probably our favorite would have to be the island hopping and the trivia quiz night(being the geeks that we are). With all the things that we did plus my illness, I entertained no room for lonely thoughts. It was just beautiful.

I'm hoping that since I left all my demons in a pile of heap somewhere in the middle of the sea, it's time to bring in the happier, more optimistic version of me.

It's only been a few hours but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll retain this great vibe. With God's help, I'm sure I can. Aja!