all strings attached...

12:04 AM 6/24/2003

two months of freedom... but now, it has escaped me once again. all because of two frigging dreams. i thought im over him.. but like how our favorite song goes, i guess it aint over til its over. when did i start remembering? is it because im unhappy again? or is it because he looks better than the last time i saw him? i dont know for sure.. all i know is that im missing him and it's killing me. why is it like this? why is it so hard to forget someone but so dAmn easy to remember?

last saturday, i went to tagaytay with my favorite relatives. it was a surprise trip but i went anyways because i dreamt of thoushallnotbenamed. i wanted to forget that dream, to relax a bit and get out of the blues, only to find out that the entire trip will put me in deeper depression.

i cant remember the last time i forgot to remember him as i pass by SLEX. the thought never failed me.. once again, memories of him came flooding back in. as we entered the cool city of tagaytay, my initial purpose for going there was put to waste. everything about it gave me a piece of him. the first time we held hands, the first photo of us taken, the first touch of his hands on my unruly hair.. once again, im trapped inside his confining web. and the bad thing about it is that i dont know how to get out.. as always..

my cousin, pinky, and i just stayed inside the car while my uncle went upstairs of starbucks for his meeting. she looked at my wallet and looked at my belongings. while laughing our heads off at my grad picture, a small letter dropped and when we read it, instantly, hot tears rushed from my eyes.. it was a letter from him.. when we're still together. and i thought i eliminated every trace of him in my system.. think again, honey, think again.

the entire trip was full of his memories. we went to the seaside market where he used to always eat, the hotel where one of my blockmates celebrated her debut (one of the best times of my life).. the trip didnt get rid of the pain, it brought me more.. and although i should stop harping about these things, i cant. i guess memories are the hardest thing to control..