My QLC

I am here inside an empty café, listening to bossa while letting my thoughts run wild. It’s been ages since I last tried to even phrase the ‘nothingness’ that sometimes engulfs me (sometimes being the operative word). In most days, I would welcome this blank state. But since my birthday is coming a-knocking, I think I deserve some good old fashioned wallowing.

In about a month’s time, I will be turning 25. This could be the potential quarter life crisis (QLC)---that is, if one is expected to live until 100 years old. I, on the other hand, do not expect to live until 50. With the nature of my job, I may even be optimistic. So is this my midlife crisis, then?

Let me just get my thoughts out. I am a 24 year old sales manager (fine, assistant manager assisting not a manager but an assistant vice president) in a medium sized company. What you can call a medium fish in a medium pond (now, that actually sounds bleaker than what I had intended). Let me rephrase that, I am the youngest member of the Management team and if I had not been used to self- deprecating, I would be proud of myself. Despite my stellar educational background (I got into good schools, but my grades were not stellar), I literally settled for the first company who would hire me. I started out at the lowest of lows, doing a Ryan- Pam combo (you have to know the series The Office to get me), then moving to a sales position, then a year and a half later, managing a team. Four years into this big bad corporate world, I would say that it’s been great so far. Not perfect and not without my share of horror stories but interesting, nonetheless. I met the love of my life in the office and have travelled to different places for free. So far, so good.

What am I rambling about, you would ask? Nothing, really. Except the fact that I have been so wrapped up in my responsibilities work-wise, that I fail to hmmm, stop and smell the roses? Too cliché. A better choice of words would be, I’m so caught up in my work that I forget to stop and pick my scabs (figuratively).To explain, I used to love bleeding---- it gets me really juiced up to write good stories. I used to magnify even the minutest of problems just so I can write about it. In hindsight, I could write stories about my pantyhose running or my hair catching bees like I was vying for a Pulitzer prize. For me, being manic-depressive is healthy. Wait, I would not go as far as saying that I need drama 24/7, though a little of the unexpected would not hurt, either. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss writing. I miss it when friends drop a comment on my blog telling me how funny I am, or how they totally agree with how I dissected the meaning of my current favorite song. Things like that may be trivial to people, but for the people concerned, these things forge a sense of affinity and belongingness.

At 24, I’m currently in my ‘tween’ years, no longer young but not too old. I would like to think that I am still in that age bracket where I could still do the things that I want and still be able to turn things around when they go bad (there’s a Dashboard song that captures this idea, but I forgot what song that is.) Bottom line is, I want to explore this ‘generation’ while I still have the chutzpah to do it.
Whoops. Time is up.

7.16.09 – 9:44pm Rocci’s

I Wanted More of Paramore!

Last March 9, I went to the Paramore concert-- which I promised myself I would be situated front and center. Well, I wasnt in front, and I was not exactly in the center. But i still got a great view of Hayley and the band. Silver ticket is not that bad after all.

So, wait. Let's review.

but before that, I just want to say that Paramore ROCKS big time. and Hayley, you are such a firecracker and you were hair-ing it like no other.

Now that that is finally out on the open, let's move on.

I have been dying to see Paramore live since forever. Admittedly, I wasnt a big fan when they first broke out. Although i've listened to a couple of their songs, I initially found it tuneless and loud. However, what got me hooked was the song My Heart. I was listening to this song nonstop on our way to Tagaytay with my office friends (November 2005 or 2006-- not sure which one). A year after, I saw their Riot! concert in MTV and saw Hayley the Livewire and fell madly and deeply in love with the band. It was a great opportunity to finally see them and watch them here in the Philippines. Good thing they got here before I left for Aussie. God is good.

Not having a fellow Para-whore among my friends, I went with my brother to the concert. Holding the recently bought Silver Tickets-- specifically just a few hours before the concert (Lunch time at National Bookstore Market!Market! branch), I met Randy at MOA. This place, of course, is alien territory to me, given that I hail from the North. I just got out of the office and I only managed to bring jeans and my havaianas. Not wanting to look so 'corporate'/ ate-ish in a rock concert, I even attempted to try to fit in. Thus, before going to the concert grounds, I bought those I love Pinoy shirts. But no... havaianas pala is sooo old school. The kids (yes,kids) around me were wearing Chucks, which I do not have because I am not a sneakers/ rubber shoes person. If you do not know already, I have no concept of 'roughing it up' and sporty fashion is really not my style. So shirt+jeans+havaianas+C&K bag= out of place aka 'napadaan at napabili bigla ng concert ticket' look. Tsk tsk.

What can I say about the concert? Well, i don't know if it's because of my location but I was kinda disappointed that the Filipinos were a bit too reserved. I don't know if Paramore liked performing here but they had a hard time hyping the crowd (at least that's what I think). We couldnt even chant "PARAMORE" for more than minute. Nor can we sustain the applause/ shouts until the next song begins. So most of the time, there was dead air during the transition. Although the band was great beyond words, I just didn't get the feel of 'oneness' with the crowd during the concert, except during the last song (Brick by Boring Brick).

All i know is that we, Pinoys, should better shape up and make a really good impression if we want to get the good bands/artists to perform here. Don't be too pa-sosy, pa-reserve. Let us all learn to let loose and break free. Its not everyday that we get Paramore to perform for us.

Well, maybe next time.

If it Kills Me.

I would be lying if I said that I don't love you anymore. I can barely go to sleep without the help of alcohol or extreme exhaustion. I cry at those stupid love songs. I cringe when I hear happy music. Its a lie. It's all lies. You and I were never meant to be in the first place. But at least we tried. and that removes all 'what ifs' i might ask in a lifetime.

I will get over you. Not because I want to but because I have no other choice. Time will become my best friend. And no matter how deep these wounds are, I have no other recourse but to be okay.

I guess I found my muse again.

Finally, a Blog for YOU

You wanted to get hurt. You want to be haunted by monsters that you, yourself, created. You thought I still cling on to old memories. Well, I don't. Because what you don't realize is that old memories are replaced by new ones. Just like you and me.

You live by my words from before. You slash your heart with these words then blame the pain on me. You wanted to believe that with words of hate, there is love. To tell you straight, Words of hate are just that. HATE. Just like what I feel now.

You're scared of the memories he and I had. Now you don't have to because what you should be afraid of are my memories of you. You just bled me out of our great memories, of love and happy endings. All I have now are bottled tears and resentments. Of accusations, of hurtful words that reverberate even as I sleep.

You secretly wanted me to write about you. Well, here it is. You earned it.

2009: The Year Facebook Ruined my Social Life

If you havent noticed, I went MIA for almost a year. Not that nothing interesting happened to me in the past year. Its just that my work schedule has gone haywire. LIAR!

Actually, that is just partially true. Higher sales target calls for higher quality time with my desk. But the trueER truth is that Facebook ate my brain. I can no longer compose sentence of importance and my creativity is restricted by a 140 character limit. I still believe that my gift of satire is still very much intact, bad news is, I cannot convert it into text. On the other hand, FB did me good by forcing me to stay at home during weekends, therefore, spend less. However, when you think about it, it limits human connection. I, for one, admit that for a time, I would rather stay home and fix my 'restaurant' than to be in an actual restaurant with friends. At times, I would go offline to extinguish any form of distraction (chatting) when I'm playing. But I got cured, thanks to faulty internet connections.

I just wish that I could still have the juices to make me write good stuff again. I dont know if its because I want to be safe, or because happiness is not a good motivation. Whatever it is, I vow to make it my new year's resolution to , as the great Madonna wrote, express myself and not repress myself.

The Northern Adventure with Surprise Guests!

Just got back from a 2day trip to the north pole, este, northern part of the Philippines, Ilocos Norte. Ang masasabi ko lang, PANALO. Sulit ang 3 shades darker skin tone ko and the possible infection/ UTI/ diarrhea dahil sa tubig.

At kamustahin mo, nakita namin ang Aegis, not once, not twice, not even thrice but four times! Parang ini-swak talaga ang schedule namin dahil arrival and departure, kasabay namin sila. Sila rin ang aming mga 'lunch buddies' dahil nagkikita kami sa pinag lalunch-an namin (take note, magkaibang resto ito). Baka akala nila, stalker kami ni Sol. haha. Muntik na nga naming sabihing

"Excuse me but do we know you? Why are you following us? If you want our pictures, just say so" kaso lang baka ipa deport kami ng Laoag ng di oras.

Bago ako makalimot, nais kong pasalamatan ang aming sponsors, Jing (Kathy's beloved) and si Bons (friend ni Sol). Ang tyaga ni Jinggoy na ipag drive kami papuntang Pagudpod (2 hour non stop drive from Laoag) at hayaan kaming magtampisaw for 15 minutes (at tiisin ang aming tilian blues pagkatapos naming magpatintero sa alon ng dagat) at mag drive ulit ng 2 hours pabalik. Saludo kami sa'yo. You are now worthy of my precious blessing (as if hinihingi)

Kay Bons at sa pinsan nya na nagsilbing tour guide namin on day 2, na pinagtyagaan kaming ilibot/ ipagdrive sa katirikan ng araw, maraming salamat sa inyong hospitality. At shempre, malilimutan ba namin ang Pamulinawen resto, La Preciosa, Java Hotel's Eagles Nest (Java the Hut, ika nga namin ni Sol) at empanadahan sa Batac na bumawas ng 3 taon sa aming life span dahil sa uber sarap at unhealthy food na kinain namin. Matapos ang isang toneladang bagnet at longanisa (na pica pica sa kanila), crispy dinuguan and fried isaw, parang gusto na munang maging vegetarian.

Shempre, ang pinaka importante, Nais kong magbigay pugay kay Mirasol na aking Laoag buddy na kahit na nakalibot na dito ay sinamahan pa din ang first-time turistang tulad ko.

Eto lang ang ayaw ko kay Sol:

1. Si sol ay isang maninira ng mga pictures- minsan lang ako pumunta ng Pagudpod at ang mga kuha nya sa akin ay either sobrang lapit (na walang background) or sobrang layo (na hindi mo na makikilala kung sino ang kinukuhanan). Mahilig din shang mag picture na animo'y mag aapply ako sa agency.. Gitnang gitna, full body shot.

2. Si Sol ay takaw-kidnap- pumapasok sha sa van ng may van, nang hindi tinitignan kung yun ba ang tamang sasakyan. Magnet din sha ng mga taong may history of violence.

3. Si Sol ay isang magnifying glass- Sa sobrang nipis ng babaeng ito, nagmumukha lalo akong obese.

Mula sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, iniaalay ko ang award na ito. I thank you.

My Mom, the Kill Joy.

My mom and brother (Kuya Paul) derive this queer sense of happiness bursting the bubble of unknowing people eagerly anticipating a much awaited ending. I think they have a term for that- Sadism.

I'm not an avid fan of boxing but its part of the Filipino pride that at least you watch Manny Pacquiao fight. And it never fails that whenever there's a match, my mom would prance around the room and tell everyone that she already knows the winner, even before it begins playing on tv. And every single time, we would ask her to shut up (kindly, of course) and she would say "wala naman akong sinasabi", but would give so many hints that she practically gives the answer away.

This time, I was quite relieved to learn that my mom and dad had a lunch date with a family friend, thus, I could watch the fight in peace. However, just when the game was about to begin, they arrived. I felt a bit safe because my mom would have no means of knowing the results. She's been out of the house and has no means of getting a "leak".

I went to her to make "mano" and she told me that there's something going on with her phone and that I should check it. Then she showed me a text message from my aunt in the states stating the winner of the match. She did this, WITHOUT WARNING.

And that's how she ruined my Sunday afternoon.

Our 2nd!

Wala na akong masabi kay Erik. He got what he aimed for when he said he wanted to give me something special for our 2nd anniversary. Well,well, well. He just gave me a brand new TechnoMarine Geneve! Whatever craziness got into his brilliant head, there's no way im complaining.

I have got to be the luckiest girl alive. Imagine having someone who gives you the sun, moon and mother of pearl. ;-)

He just makes my heart melt.

Watch or no watch, I'd still say he is the most amazing guy in the planet. He just fills me with so much love and happiness, its unreal.

Makes me feel guilty that I didn't give him anything for our anniversary except our dinner date yesterday at Outback.

I'll just make bawi someday :-)

Annabanana's Attempt to be Romantic.

This is so effing cheesy but I seriously have no idea what to give/ do on our anniversary.I am totally clueless. Any help at this point will be very much appreciated.

I, thank you.

When Passwords fail you...

Fek. I hate it when I forget passwords. I cannot open two of my accounts because I don't know which password is which. For my other personal account, I cant even remember my login name.

This is what I get for being too lazy to check my emails and other online stuffs.