Heat- Hate

Thank God for wednesday nights.

When i went to school to pass our management group paper, i was sleep- deprived, in heat (because of the weather, not uhm.. whatever) and starving. I almost passed out while crossing visayas avenue.

Considering my status as an almost college graduate, I SHOULD be relaxing. SHOULD. God, i miss being stress- free.

Funny, while i was on my way to TMC, a random thought sprang. I havent used the word Kindergarten in such a long time (except this early morning while i was chatting with sushi girl). cute... where did the word come from?


oooh.. childhood memories.

I swear the heat is killing me... its no wonder its anagram is hate. i am not kidding, if you find me dead without any sign of struggle or bruises, rest assured, i died from excessive sunrays... or caffeine overdose, or an attack by my conscience for using (and abusing) Pink for my blog.

Speaking of death, CSI's 100th episode is great! although not the best, it surely caught my (and Queer's too!) attention... trannies (transvestites) + lubricants + slashed throat = one great episode.

its educational too! Queer can use grissom's advice on how to tell the victim's parents that their son is dead, literally and figuratively. He suggested the friend to show the parents an oyster and tell them that their son turned daughter turned rotting corpse is just like the oyster. He can choose what gender he wants to be. That it can contol what comes out of the shell...

Now queer, aint that a nice "coming out" trick? scientific yet dramatic. we'll prepare a soundtrack for you. Song lists:

- Im coming out
- Take me as i Am
- the carpenter song (youve got to love me for what i am for simply being me...)
- we are family (now this is soooooooo flaming gay)

just kidding. although he designates me the role of Sarah Sidle, the gap toothed CSI (because the uber gorgeous Catherine Willows is his character) i still love him. we all do. (group hug!)

and yeah, I had two hours of heart pumping, eye popping, tearjerking Amazing race episode.
woohoo! meredith and gretchen still alive! i like them. Their team is one of the three teams i like. The others are Lyn and Alex and Brian and Greg. Too bad my other favorites got booted out early in the game (debbie and bianca, susan and patrick and megan and heidi). To ray and deana! PPPPFFT (this is the sound of making belat/ sticking out tongue).. theyre so freakin' evil and selfish, they deserved it..
But wait (there's more?), nobody is more evil than the rob- amber tandem.. can i just say that they are so downright selfish and insensitive. I hate them!

oh my God...i think im really gonna pass out... got to catch some sleep before my brain cells get depleted.

The end is the Beginning is the End

Graduation is fast approaching. Soon, I will be leaving my Beloved Alma Mater, UP. For the last four years, it has molded me to become the person that I am now, independent, self- reliant, experienced.

journal entry #1:
june 13, 20011:23 pm
tatooed and waiting.. tatooed and waiting...
its the day before my new life as a college babe and I am wallowing in boredom. So, high school's over and i'm facing a new chapter in my so- called life. SO what?!?
Well, first and foremost, im about to encounter a deeper sense of depth when it comes to decision- making and problem solving. Like no more "Oh my goodness! I have a zit" but more of "masterals or law?" thingy.
So my childishness and illusions officially ended after the the closing of my fave telenovela. I have to get Marco Duran out of my mind!"
So... am i ready to face college?!? I'm about to find out!

-end of journal entry-


How time flies. I can still vividly remember the first day of classes.I was wearing my favorite purple Kashieca shirt and black jeans. THere was a freshman welcome at the UP Theater. coolness. Of course, I was surprised (and relieved) that I am not the only Xientian to take up Economics. I sat next to Mamba, said hello and started chatting. Mamba and I were schoolmates in highschool but during those four years, never did we utter a single word to each other. That was the first time and look where we are now? Perks squad for life.


Journal Entry #2:
june 14, 20017:47 pmhouse
Gosh! what a fun filled FIRST DAY! we started off with an orientation and i truly enjoyed it. I think the UP repertory is fantastic... with its funny & bastos sense of humour! hmm, the pep, choir and dance club were excellent. what else? I think I am freaked out at my block & school (econ) mates. They're so coño. I love to be an Ecosoc member. Bonding with Mamba.
Hope to have better days!

-end of journal entry-


Hah! i can remember the first ever official class day. something funny happened. Until now, Tubby and the rest of my blockies laugh at this whenever someone brings this story up.

journal Entry #3:
6:21 amUP; Engineering bldg
My first day (official) college day. I'm at my brother's office. I'm wearing my kashieca blouse... I feel invisible. WHat else?... ok.. gonna chit chat later...

hehehehe... had fun in my first subject. La kami prof. kala namin prof yung isang senior. walked from AS to math building. Pagod. Kain sa beach house. Math 17... a nightmare. nag diagnostic lang naman kami at wala akong maisagot. saw oscar...cute. naligaw at nalate for my PE. kahiya. Natsci. lang prof. malamig. Yun lang.

- end of journal entry-


anyway, its just funny that i still have my silver greenwich notebook/ journal. I'm seriously not a diary writing person... but for some queer reason, i've kept a lot of written memories which capture a lot of virgin thoughts, bitter stories, and unfounded depression.

it's a good thing that i learned the art of e-journaling. haha..


hmm, so,what's the point of this post? wala lang. it's a ritual, i guess. I tend to cap off an important event by having a walk down memory lane. Somehow reminds me that everything that ends has a beginning worth noting... and every wonderful beginning eventually has its end. good, bad, boring, memorable. you'd have to take it as it is...


I still wear the Kashieca shirt. It does not only remind me of the first day of classes but also of other important events in my life: the day i got 106 in our duckpin bowling class, the day thoushallnotbenamed, flamethrower and I watched A Knight' Tale etc etc. AS for the black jeans, its now faded and displays a white stain due to clorox. It has, just like purple kashieca shirt, seen better days.Although i seldom use it, i just cant throw it away. There's just some things about old things that arrests me. Maybe I'm just an old soul... or maybe not.

A Tale of Three Stories

it seems that I am the only person living a normal life. thanks to Smart's unlimited texts, i was able to catch up to the latest happening in my highschool bestfriend's life. G, formerly Samantha, and I spent 7 hours texting each other. And yes, contrary to popular beliefs, she is indeed capable of falling in love, missing someone, being mushy and all that jazz. yes, She is a mortal, just like us. Apparently, her object of torrid (ahem) obsession is Lucifer who is currently in Batangas, in their own hacienda, missing G so muuuuuch (teary eyed)... right.. well, based on G's stories, Lucifer is uhm, Lucifer no more. he doesnt drink as often and from his own words, "I'm changing for G"... Dapat lang.. unless he wants to be butchered late at night with a 3-inch stilettos( i do a jekyll and hyde act when my friends' feelings are concerned). kaya good shot na sha sa akin. and for that, i will promote him... he would no longer be called lucifer. from now on, he shall be be called, notlucifer.

There. eh mukha namang happy si G, so who am i to shatter her dreams (except the evil, cynical, love-hating friend?)

MOving on.

My bestfriend Violet (formerly Carrie) is living a surreal life. First,she has a boyfriend of 4 years whom we hate with all our hearts, but she is liking another guy from her office. She said that they were having a great relationship (the guy from office, not the boyfriend) and enjoying each other's company (whatever) until a G look-alike came striding in, taking away prince charming by the crotch. Now, its goodbye to the almost affair for Violet (which is a good thing because I'm against multiple dating).

Second, her bag got snatched somewhere in Anonas. And guess how much money it has in it? 15 grand in cold cash... Violet and the boyfriend were supposed to go shopping when her bag got stolen. Imagine how shocked and depressed she felt.

And as icing on her cake, violet and the boyfriend ran for their lives when the uncle of the boyfriend's enemy had showered them with bullets (in tagalog, pinaulanan sila ng bala). I mean, how action movie is that?

Poor best. but the good thing about facing a death-defying situation is that you learn to value the things you have. In this case, the boyfriend is treating my violet baby very well. He should... After putting my bestfriend's life in danger, he should be chopped to death with a letter opener.

As for my other friend Assunta (formerly Charlotte), she is living a rather hectic life because she is graduating on the 19th. Congrats hunney! Thank God she's not dodging bullets nor being swept off her feet by a gym instructor horribly named as Jhun-Jhun.

Amen to that.

Cupid's Arch Enemy # 1

It’s 2:10 am. I have just put down the phone after 4 full hours of talking with G. We had a lot of catching up to do. Of course, it’s only been a month since we last went out (see A cold January evening: a date with gen and brad for details) and apparently, things have been moving well for her. Finally, my darling girlfriend has gotten over her “commitment” issues. I found it hard to believe at first when she told me she’s now ready to take the plunge head first into the relationship pool but after the shock has worn off, relief and happiness took over. This is big… no, gargantuan. This is G, for crying out loud! People who know her well know that at the first sign of a serious relationship, she would run toward the opposite direction faster than you can say hello. Now, she does not only enter the complex web of love but is embracing the entire thing with no questions at all.

At least she’s in love.

In this day and age, I think that falling in love is but a cliché if not a once in a blue moon event. I don’t know. As cynical as It may seem, I cannot look at a couple without thinking, “I’m sure they’re just faking it” or “they’ll break up, sooner or later.” With some rare exceptions/ conditions (like my parents’ relationship), I’m quite sure that nothing lasts forever. I just can’t imagine myself being with someone for over a decade, swallowing all his faults, forgiving all his shortcomings. It’s asking too much. But then again, maybe I’m just used to getting things my way, not asking anyone’s opinions on anything more important than an event’s wardrobe. Maybe after the “death” of a relationship, I resurrected… as a relationship hating biatch.

Oh well, you can’t have everything. Besides, I am enjoying my life as a single, independent, not to mention, relationship- mocking not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman. I am relishing this moment when I can laugh at G (Formerly Samantha) because she has turned into this dopey eyed lover girl, missing her Lucifer who is out having fun at his hacienda in Batangas. I’ve been there before and all I can say is, good luck G *maniacal laugh*.

And thoughts of tenderness come rushing in.

Susy and Geno, one of the rare exceptions of truly falling in love, just celebrated their anniversary. The cutest couple went out to have facial together. How cute is that? Aaaw, we love them. They are like innocent kindergarten students. Do you still remember preschool? Oooh, that was fun. Every recess, we had to form a line (boys and girls are separated) and the one who happens to be at the same position in the line will be our “buddy” who gets to hold our hand. During one of our fieldtrips, I got to sit beside Arm___ Mat__ (am i great with name recall, or what?), my kindergarten classmate. Since the school was teaching us to be independent, they put all our guardians/ parents/ yayas on the other bus. I remember crying my heart out, asking for my yaya Lila. My seatmate, Arm__ Mat___, offered to give his choco mallows and orange juice (Zesto was really big that time) so that I would stop crying. Being a scrawny kid who didn’t really realize the value of a good offer, I turned his choco mallows and juice down. I only stopped crying at the puppet show ( i think that was staged in UP) when finally, i saw my cute yaya, with her arms wide open, holding a Good Morning towel in her hand, ready to wipe my snot away.

Anyway, I’ve digressed enough that I actually forgot my point. (After 10 minutes) The thing is, why can’t I have a relationship like that? No frills, no lying, just pure cute love. Before, it was so easy to be happy, to forgive and to fall in love. I mean, nobody knows the words depression, it’s over, breaking up, and you lying sonofa, when you’re 5, right? God, I’m 20 and I’m feeling the weight of post- teenage angst. I don’t feel like 10 things I Hate About You anymore. Now it’s more of Reality Bites, with real problems and harder solutions. Now that we’ve grown up, it takes more than choco mallows, orange juice and my Yaya Lila to make me stop crying. Life is one big, scary playground.

Unwanted Reverie

intoxicated by plangent thoughts
of you and your numbing presence
consumed, petered out but never ceasing to infest me,
confound me, circling my senses
and shattering into a million sundries
of love, loathing, antipathy and lamentations.
They seeped into my system and cascaded
past my paper-covered defenses
now laying limp on the shore of putrid dignity.
All this futile charade, masking the pain,
richocheted and hit me right where it started beating.
With a snap of a finger and a lovely 5- liner,
I groveled my way back to you...

A Starry, Starry Night: Spot, Look and Glisten

The Queer and I
Behold our attempt to imitate Bea Alonzo and Piolo Pascual's Dreamboy Poster


Lover in Libis
This is a feeble attempt to look desperate and wanting.


Donna and Vivian
SI donna at Vivian na napabayaan sa kusina. Kahit sa dilim, aninag ang kurbada... malaki.

Sing a Song of Synonyms

The Good Kind
By the Wreckers

Do you wanna run away together?'
I would say it was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it...
And I walked along,
Waiting for you to come along.
Take my tortured heart by the hand.
And write me off.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

You forced me to become strong.
And I just cried, being weak.
And you think you know.
And I would like to think so,
But do you know that when you go,I fall apart.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind.
No, it's not the good kind...

I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes,
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

No, you're not the good kind.


*** gosh, this song has been stuck in my head for 4 frigging days. I cant help it. Its the only song that i've downloaded in my playlist before i decided that Bear share and Imesh are not good for my computer. Since the 2nd crash, i'm left with an empty playlist and robbed of my favorite songs... I miss my downloads! grrr.. No more SNow patrol, dishwalla and other favorites.

Hmmm, im wishing for something fun to happen. I'm getting bored with my life.

I cant wait for CSI: New York... COme April, i will be glued to the TV set from Mondays to Wednesdays. 3 day CSI day! wooohoooo... and unlike the infamous Mr. Leopando, I have not seen One to many bodies. :)

Let me tell you about my thesis. I thought that minor revisions were needed and its good to go. Unfortunately, Dr. Perns thinks otherwise.

D.P.: I cant edit this for you, anymore. It takes a lot of, you know, time...
Me: Yes sir.
D.P.: The third one should be clean ha? hmmm, It must be ready to go. hmmm, or else, you will stay for another semester. It's ok with you to stay for another semester?
me: No sir! i just had my interview! Sir, wag po... (it doesnt sound "innocent" ano?)
D.P: (laughs maniacally.. di, joke lang) Kaya nga make good na. I'll write you a recommendation.
Me: (i dont need recommendation! i'm hired! just pass us @#($*&) Yes sir.

Pressure.

Pink is it!

(Warning: this is a pink- infested post)

Wow. I'm not too technostressed afterall.

Today, i had a great accomplishment. I was able to add a shoutbox and links in my blog. Though it took me forever to do it, I can say that it wasn't as hard as i thought.

Along with the changes in features, you can also see a change in uhm... aura. Yes, my blog is Pink. I can see people's jaws dropping, asses on the floor as they fall out of their seats thinking, where is the real AM? What have you done to her? (Shempre, OA na naman ako)

It was purely accidental. i chose a shoutbox that has the most striking color and then i realized that it doesnt match my plain blue polka dots blog template before. So instead of changing the shoutbox, i opted to just edit the template coz it's easier (but of course, someone could rebut this claim. I am technostressed, remember?).

besides, i think its hightime that i have a more "feminine" outlook in life. After being an emasculating *itch and a rockstar wannabe for god knows how long, i think i should try on the role of being a career woman ready to take on the world. Yebah. Whoops. I know my argument is far from the pink blog issue but you know me, i'm oxygen- imbalanced so pardon me if i sound retarded.

speaking of Pink, i am wearing pink today, and i hate pink. hmmm, i mean HATED pink. now, as part of my I will be a new woman/ goddess endeavor, I will start to love pink (peeeeenk, as my cousin pinkie would say). Then, i will start wearing hot pink shorts and pink sandals. I will then listen to pink and hillary duff and other bubblegum pop singers. uuuuuughhhh (shudders).

nope. that's stretching the plan too far. i can only do 'pink' one step at a time. In just a matter of time, i will be the kikay-est kikay in the entire universe, that is, if i dont strangle myself.

gook. i have an exam tom.. i mean later. PE... eeek. gibberish. gibberish. jhsfhausdha...
zzzzzzzzzzz.

Post Mortem Heartbreaks

this is my fourth (?) post for the day. that's weird considering i have so much to do. oh well.

love.

still the favorite topic to discuss although i swear i am dried up of any "emotional juices". i am uninspired and unromantic.

( i can see a roach a meter from me... actually, im not sure with the distance. im horrible with estimates.)

i am seriously contemplating on my ability to fall in love. It seems that i cant get myself to indulge in any romantic activity that might lead to the rediscovery of my inner love goddess. Have i become so stale i cant manage to get my own life back?

i guess i've been practicing anger management to the point of self-annihilation. What is my problem? I dont really know. yesterday, i encountered my past's present at the BA photocopier. I had this urge to roll my eyes at her or stare at her with a searing look. I caught myself before i do something stupid. What triggered that feeling? I'm not mad at her or them, right? Or am i?

maintaining this face of acquiescence is tiring me already. I've been swallowing negative thoughts/ opinions/ theories like a huge pill of valium. In the end, they're leaving me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

i'm tired of lying to myself but unleashing my true feelings will do no good either. Actually, what's driving me to this point of insanity is not the fact that i still have feelings for him because i dont (there i go again). I just hated the fact that they had to hurt so many people to get where they are now. I think it's hypocrisy at its finest.

i mean, im sure as hell that it didn't just happen because that's bull and I wont buy it. I know how in love he was (is?) with sushi girl. How could it be possible that in a matter of weeks, or even days, he had a change of heart? I have nothing against her (yup, that's my third) but i would feel more comfortable with him being with SUshi Girl. I know, I know. how brash of me to have an opinion on his choice of women. I can just imagine Anime saying "wala ka namang karapatan dahil di naman sha naging sa yo eh". I hate that remark. Notwithstanding my adamant claims (or disclaimers) that there was never an "us", i know deep inside that we did have something deeper than any person had ever seen. Not having a claim on that is not only hurtful but a debasement of something i consider sacred. But then again, what's the point?

Maybe this is pride talking. I guess i just cant swallow the fact that I spent a lot of time thinking that maybe im the one who pushed him away only to find out that someone else did the pulling. I was right, afterall.

im not driving at anything. maybe im just being overly dramatic. maybe this is just a post mortem confession to cap off my entire college existence. or maybe, i just dont have anything interesting to say (yes, that's my fifth).

Poppycock

poppycock- senseless talks, nonsense


Ang weird.

It still hasnt dawned on me that i am way past the teenage years. in a matter of months, i will officially be a Makati girl, working,flirty and thriving (pinilit!). I cant really see myself as a serious career woman. actually, i cant see myself as a WOMAN for that matter. I feel too young to be working. i mean seriously, if you see how my friends and I act, you'll think we're still in kindergarten. We just love cracking jokes, love role playing, love to entertain the people we're with. We are born to be standup comedians.

im gonna miss waking up late, im gonna miss not going to class, im gonna miss a lot of things when i leave Econ. grrr.. its motmot time.

i keep singing this stupid song in my head. mamamamayu kiero? tama ba yun? basta, some novelty songs.

ive lots of things to do, so little time to do them and so much time i devote to shirking. bad, AM, bad.

hmm, i dream of one day turning into a vegetarian. even a vegan for that matter. pero that's unrealizable. like getting enough sleep.