He Said, She Said.

Now, I have finally disproved My Boy Gorj in his theory that I like him (as in MTB) only because I can't have him--- because he is the last person on earth that would look my way. Now that the heavens are showing me that it is actually possible, now that he is showing some inkling of affection, I am still as confused as hell. No, there is no doubt about how I feel. I still like him; in fact I like him a lot. I would even brashly call my feelings for him something akin to the L word (the other non X-rated L word). But even if he has been displaying a side of him that nobody has ever seen before, I still can't afford to let my demons go. Those voices that play over and over again, telling me that "him and Me" cannot happen. Not in this lifetime, at least. Not when there is that glaring reality that even if I change some things about me that I know he would not like, I would always fall short of his expectations. Its not that I think he is the paragon of greatness but when you know him personally, you would understand. It has nothing to do with the physical aspect, he is not extraordinarily good looking, but neither am I. But I love looking at him. It's a thing I haven't grown out of, after a year and 4 months of staring at him when he's not looking. Even now that we have this so-called closeness when I unabashedly look at him when he's looking at me, I still appreciate his totality. I can't explain it, really.

Last night, we had this awkward conversation in his car while he was driving me home from the basketball game. I unwittingly disclosed to him via text that I noticed something about him (his constant effort to explain the sweet things he does for me) with the thought that he would shrug it off and not pay any interest on it. Unfortunately, he did take notice. He even made "kulit" so that I would tell him. That is so not him, he is not makulit as he claims to be. I would consider him as having a "take it as it comes" kind of person. That whatever it is that I tell him, he would not put any malice nor importance to it. How wrong I was. But since i was in too deep anyways, I thought on letting him in on a morsel of what I think of his "defensiveness". As always, I found myself grasping for words, not wanting him to take it in a wrong way. I am a great talker, very animated, straight to the point, and well-versed. When it comes to him, though, I just tend to clam up. Since he was looking at me with this "i melt you" look, i had to stop myself from stuttering. In my most incoherent self, I told him that he has this habit of explaining the good (i refuse to even say the word sweet) gestures he does, and that its not really a bad thing. I asked him if he was bothered because i dont want him to be bothered. He said in his most incoherent self that he was not bothered, he was confused. And so was I.

He asked if it was because he drives me home often, and began to babble once again on the million of reasons he does. I said that's only half of the story. I tried to cite some other examples, but my mind went blank due to the uncomfortable "this could be it" silence. He asked me if he needed to drive more slowly for me to think about it, and i said no. I tried not to disclose too much, not wanting to be assuming, but not wanting to look insensitive or dense. In the end, we had to sink deep into that awkward silence before I asked him if he understood it now. He said that yes, and because i didnt want him to get any wrong ideas, I asked him what he understood from our very cryptic conversation. He couldnt say, except that he had a vision and said that he would try not to talk too much (as if he did). And i assured him that it was not a bad thing. Finally, we stopped right in front of our house. The atmosphere was still thick with the words left unspoken, the feelings left hanging. He said goodbye, I said thank you. And lastly, i said, alam mo na? He said, hindi ko alam, Anna. I said basta. With my hand closing the door, he gave me this " I think i'm getting it" look. He waved, I waved, and he drove off into the darkness.