Cleaning out my closet.

im crying again.

after several months of trying to purge sad feelings, i am finally letting genuine tears flow. As i've said, Sugarfree songs have a way of evoking hidden feelings. As i listened to their song, Kwarto, i had this sudden urge to open my hidden folder which has all our emails to each other. And like opening the Pandora's box, memories crept their way back in.

"Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban..."

I just had to get it out of my system. I wanted to know if the feeling I had for him was real. This exercise let me clean out my closet, face my ghosts and say goodbye to the past.

I never hated him, even if i wanted to. He has this strange way of dissolving any hatred and angst i have. I love that about him. In fact, i love so many things about him.

"...Mga liham ng linihim kong pag ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayon kailangan nang itapon..."

Two days ago, i took out a box of memories hidden under my dresser. I read some of the letters from high school friends. I also came across with letters and pictures. His pictures...his memories.

When things were not complicated between the two of us, we used to send each other emails. We asked for advice, recounted our frustrations in Math 100 and discussed my so-called love life and his undying love for me as his bestfriend. I still keep all of those emails. I guess i really wanted to hang on to those things...to serve as a proof that "we" existed... that once upon a time, we were genuinely in love...

"May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses natayo'y nasaktan..."

I still have with me the ribbon and the goody box he gave me on my 18th birthday. Its sides are now dilapidated, almost worn out. My dad wanted me to throw it away, along with all the letters from my past. Many times, i would consider his suggestion. It's not a very special box, nor a rare ribbon. When i am about to throw it away, i always heave a deep sigh and tell myself, there's always a next time. Keeping your past abreast with your present wont hurt.

"Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon…"

well now that i am completely devoid of any romantic feelings for him, I decided that in order for me to fully move on, i have to leave some things behind. The boat is moving slower with all the excess baggages I have. I tried to reflect on my life and i came up with a decision: To throw him out to the river... to delete all his emails, burn all his pictures, erase all memories of him...

"Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay na ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto't naron sya..."

I want to fall in love again. To test the waters and finally swim to the surface of this pool of tears i made out of all the reminiscing. I know i can do it... But i told myself i have to do it right. I will face my future without my past following me. I had to do this... Pause.

i stared at the question in front of me..

are you sure you want to empty the folder?

• Empty
• Dont Empty

I trembled. This is it. I have already proven to myself that, Yes, It was real. We fell in love and it's over.

"Magpapaalam na sa yo ang aking kwarto..."

I stopped crying, just about the same time the song Kwarto by Sugarfree stopped playing in my player. I guess, it just got tired of playing the song over and over again. God was sending me a signal here... leave him behind, erase all memories of him. Make a fresh start, You deserve it.

• Cancel

... I can't do it. I just can't... in a few years time, i would forget his face, his name, his words... and these are the only things that will remind me that once, I was happy.

Never mind if i cry some times upon reading his emails or when his memories resurface.They were good ones, real ones.

Part of my eternal sunshine belongs to him. the mind may forget but the heart never does.

He belongs in my long term memory... and i will never try to place him anywhere else. I will fall in love again, but the feeling and lessons he imparted will always stay, as they all should be.

( the player started playing again... and this time, its playing a different tune. Martir, still by Sugarfree)

Kailan ka ba

Muling darating

Malapit na namang magtakipsilim

At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan

Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan

... blank thoughts...

eternal sunshine of the mindless spot.

I am having my monthly visitor. It sucks. all i want to do is to sleep, eat, and sleep some more... But that is not possible. Well, it is, but like any normal girl will tell you, it's the second most uncomfortable feeling in the world (first is having wedgie).

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I cried. Its so... im lost for words. I love the theme of the movie, Forgetting. Now, if only Lacuna Technologies were real, i bet most of us will be lining up to get its services.

But wait? would i really want to erase all my memories of thoushallnotbenamed? hmmm, knowing my impulsive nature, i would have... but im sure, i would have regretted it (but wait? i wont remember it..hmmm... interesting).

yay.

im officially a member of the sugarfree mailing list. im so addicted to the band.

i talked to thoushallnotbenamed about some stuff... its so nice to be friends with him again.

of all the things we shared, its the way i feel when were together that i miss the most.

when will i get my eternal sunshine?

like a lamb to the slaughter.

happy happy joy joy.

aaah.... look at that smile. this photo was taken during one of our events. this was ME, alcohol-free. you should have seen me drunk. err, if this were taken a day after the event, im sure i wouldnt be looking soooo damn happy.

Not as Woman as I want to be.

She's Always A Woman

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me
She can lead you to live
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me



----> i just remembered that thoushallnotbenamed dedicated this song to me

not even an earthquake can shake me.

i hate it when my post gets lost because the page expired.

im too tired to rewite it.

just some things that happened today:

had my project eval exam

bought Sugar a cute undie

went to a videoke and watched Queer Dance and sing DR. Jones

turnover dinner at Chateau Verde. Love the deep fried ice cream

waited for Ryan Cabrera's performance in jay Leno

fell asleep when an earthquake happened.

too tired.

That Bitter Sugar.

Sugarfree was on RX again.

What can i say, those guys simply rock. I dont know how they were able to do it, but they made me fall in love again.

The lyrics were so wonderfully honest, just like the first album, but this time, they're happier and more optimistic.

feeling ko na naman, those songs are MY songs.

Nung Lumabas yung Sa Wakas, it was the time when my so-called "lovelife" ended. Most of the songs, I was able to relate to. SOngs of rejection, of sadness, of goodbye. I remember how the song Burnout and Unang Araw gripped my heart... Shit, para talagang pinipiga ang puso ko. with those killer lines:

-- O kay tagal din kitang minahal.. (tapos sa ending)
O kay tagal din kitang MAMAHALIN.

Wag Mo akong sisihin, kung minsan ika'y hanapin
ito ang unang araw na wala ka na...

talk about honesty.

Their songs reflected my state of mind (and heart) during that time. I bought an album, I still listen to it when i have the time.

And he has one too.

Yun ang gusto ko sa kanya.. sobrang pareho kami ng interest when it comes to music. Another band which often reminds me of him is Dishwalla. basta, something to do with Somewhere in the Middle.

haaay, nostalgia.

anyway, i was able to catch their performance unplugged via RX... and wow, they were making HAPPY songs now. the songs are still catchy, heartfelt and sincere.

WHen i heard Tulog na, i dont know why i cried but i did. its not that i still love him, far from it. pero siguro, memories caught up with me. Not that im running away from them.. wala lang. Sa sobrang daming nangyayari, new things just push our memories aside. siguro, it was flooded back to shore nung narinig ko yung Sugarfree songs.

Sana may magregalo sa akin ng Sugarfree album, Dramachine. Cause, Im missing all the Drama in my life.

senseless sensibility.

I am not a selfish girl. I never wanted to be one… but sometimes, too much passion obliterates the little amount of logic and rationality I have left. Yes, that is what I really am. A stupid girl, not a selfish one.

I guess I have been holding this torch for him for a time longer than what is acceptable. I can’t help it. Maybe I’m purging it, maybe I’m not. One thing is for sure, I do not relish this feeling of emptiness. Nobody wants to be a loser. But sometimes, life is a player, and in this game of pin-the-unknowing-victim, it sees me through a tattered blindfold.

Insanity, maybe it has taken hold of me… and I am not as strong as I want everyone to believe. I bend sometimes to the temptation of showing him how I feel, as a matter of fact, a lot of times. And these brazen thoughts left me scathed and broken. But time and time again, I have proven to myself that I am not a coward, that I take responsibility for all my actions. And that is why I live in silent suffering. Insane, yes, guilty as charged. We are entitled to our days of deviance; the only difference with me is that I have them almost everyday.

I am not evil, though it would have been easier if I were. I would never have to explain every single act of non-conformity and irrationality. I would never feel guilty and bothered every time I say something people do not expect me to say... I would never have to explain why I had to be so hard on the guy I supposedly love. If I were evil, I can just shrug my shoulders and say, “its in my nature” and walk away.

But I am not evil, or so I believe. I am just a girl wanting and trying so hard to be understood but just gets screwed up in the process. As mushy as it may sound, I just want to be loved.

for eunice.

YOU AND ME POEM

We’re sugar coated cinnamon sticks
Sugar and spice, the best of both worlds.
Don’t run without your knickers on
I’ll surely run after you, like I always should.

Tonight, we lay under a blanket of clouds
Reminiscing the sunrise and sunsets we’ve shared
The iciness of the night is left abandoned
No harshness can break the comfort we bred.

I used to struggle away from your shadow
Having this yearning to stand on my own
But no matter what road I chose to take
You, my sister, will be my companion.

I remember walking barefoot on the desert
it bruised my feet until they were sore
I looked up to the stars and saw your face
It banished all the burdens I bore..

And now the verdant meadows emerge before us
The comfort of the another dusk transpiring
We grew out of love for lollipops and rainbows,
But still we dream of happy endings and prince charming.

We continue to share this scenario together
Holding hands, smiling and carefree
Blushing as we promise to stay forever
And to hold memories of you and me.

two girls, a guy, and a spoonful of bicol express

yesterday, i had one of the most enlightening and meaningful nights of my life. Instead of studying for my pending exams in Econ 153 and BA 104, i did Anime, my soulmate, a huge favor by hauling my sorry ass to the land of the skimpy-clothed and alcohol-high, eastwood. I, together with my orgmates, played marshal in a celebrity enduro-race sponsored by a famous beer corporation. being a self-confessed tv addict and jologs-at-heart, i succumbed to the idea of elbow-brushing with the stars. Unfortunately, all i saw were a couple of not-so-famous actors, a grouchy viva hotbabe and a handful of stupid civilians who have no idea what a charade is.

Eastwood City was a busy place when we arrived there at 7:30. It was actually expected since it was a Saturday and most yuppies got their most-anticipated pay to satiate their alcohol-starved selves. i was clad in a simple black shirt, faded blue jeans and my favorite black boots so i felt a little weird being in a place full of teenagers dressed scantily. Present in the occasion were my co-execomers, including sushi girl, my ex's ex. it was not uncommon for us to be together. aside from the fact that we're both officers of our org, we are friends, in the genuine sense. the first people our group saw were buggy, an alumna and tadaaa! thoushallnotbenamed. although i knew that he would be there, being the party animal that he is, i never thought i would still get a kick of awkwardness out of the situation.

while saying our usual hello's and hi's to the other orgmates and alumni, the organizers of the event called our attention to give us a briefing of the night's activities. as i mentioned earlier, we would have to be stationed at a certain bar with a partner and help facilitate the dares given by the organizer. the choice for the partner was a no-brainer. i picked my vice-chair, brashes, because she's close to me and i was planning on discussing the details of our next event. due to some reasons even i cant understand, Anime gave my partner away and commanded sushi girl to be the substitute. i had no qualms about that. im over thoushallnotbenamed and i consider sushi girl the sister i wish i had.

at 8:25 pm, sushi girl and i made our way to our designated station, Spice bar and resto. apparently, we had to facilitate a bicol express eating contest charades for the contestants. the first 20 minutes were spent talking about our pending exam in ba 104 (were classmates), when she said out of the blue that she was irked by what thoushallnotbenamed said to one of our friends who just broke up with his boyfriend. and that started two hours of an unexpectedly enjoyable chat.

I never, even in my wildest dreams (i have many of them, believe me), that i would actually talk to sushi girl about our "common" guy. It was supposed to be awkward, not enjoyable. We talked about how much i knew about him, his family, his mannerisms and other stuff. It broke my heart when i saw pain in sushi girl's face when she said that it ws so unfortunate that they didnt make it that far. It brought tears to my eyes that they cant be together anymore. I really wanted both of them to be happy... especially thoushallnotbenamed. I tried to give her real life experiences (which may seem wierd since were talking about the same guy) which i hoped would help her decide on the fate of their relationship. We shared secrets like real sisters and we saw the value of finding someone who truly understand your situation.

After our task was done, we headed back to meet the other people. with arms locked together, we trodded the path to the present. We were even laughing and whispering words to each other, and we had mischief written in our eyes. we were definitely a picture of mystery and if thoushallnotbenamed only knew, im sure he would cringe in his seat.

Thank God for small wonders.

the great expectation

Somebody once told me that I am very difficult to please. He told me that even if he gave me the moon, I would eventually ask for the stars. I never thought of myself this way. For the longest time, I perceived myself as a simple girl who achieves happiness in simple things. That is why I was surprised and hurt when he, of all people, saw me differently. Back then, I would get angry and defensive every time he accused me of not appreciating his efforts. After a while, though, it made me reflect on this thought. AM I REALLY DIFFICULT?

I remember last semester when we were asked to pick a value lesson to teach our CDC kids. There I encountered the question, WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? At first, I thought that this was an easy topic of discussion. Then it got me thinking, what is it that makes me happy? My head was blank for the next 30 minutes. Superficial things kept popping in my head like, Ryan Phillippe makes me happy. Music makes me happy. Chocolate and cakes make me happy. Many things make me happy. These answers, though, did not drive me to choose that topic. I decided to pick the “safer” one, that of hygiene. I guess I got scared of teaching kids something that I, myself, don’t know the answers to. At 19 years old, I am still clueless as to what I really want. This realization hit a soft spot, and it hit me hard. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe I am difficult to please. Maybe I don’t get contented with the things I already have. Maybe I don’t really know what I want. Well, I guess I had to find it out the hard way.

My journey to self-awakening ended when I realized that I have completely healed from my heartbreak. It was a bittersweet feat and I’m glad I traversed that path to enlightenment. What did I learn from all the experiences? For one, I realized that I am an incurable romantic. In this age of technology and sexual liberation, I still find myself smitten by the traditional courting method. I love being pampered, I love flowers, I love chocolates, and I love being serenaded. I still think that it is inappropriate for girls to make the first move. Second, I love all (or most) of the corny things a guy usually does to make a girl fall for him. i love chivalry, i love sweet-nothings, i love baby talks and other things that most people find irritating. what can i say? im abnormal.

as i watched one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and the City, I was struck by the uncanny parallelism of my life to the characters in the series. the episode was about having high expectations about love and just getting disappointed in the end. Ouch, that is like the story of my life: never settling for less, getting the best but always wanting more. and just like SArah Jessica's character, i always end up getting disappointed and confused. but what can i do? that's just the way im. if i were less conservative, less romantic and more realistic, i wouldn't have an almost dramatic-but-not-too-poignant love life. i may be complicated, i may drive for perfection, but what the heck, maybe im just saving the best for last.