That Email Scandal

i don't know what i did in my past life to deserve this.

After eating death threats for breakfast last year (please refer to my January 2005 posts), I am now facing a new challenge in my oh-so-surreal life. TODO NA TO!!!

...

People close to me will attest to the fact that I have always attracted the wrong kind of people. It seems that i am a magnet for freaks and weirdos. Except for Thouwhoshallnotbenamed and Ripples (who were both attractive and NORMAL), my admirers range from thought-provoking to vomit-inducing, abnormal to the paranormal.

Hmmmm, let me see... I have a great memory.

Nursery- i caught the fancy of my classmate who has no left thumb (R.B.)
Kinder- i had this schoolbusmate who tried to steal a kiss on my cheeks on a daily basis (he constantly failed) (L.L)
Grade 4- a high school student who was also my schoolbusmate tried courting me. He was not exactly going to school (pasaway kasi), he was just there in time for uwian.
First year college- i gained a stalker in the form of an epileptic John Mayer/ Brendan Fraser looking guy who upon seeing me one day told me in this very creepy voice... "huuuuuh (with matching sounds of a slight epileptic seizure) Anna Banana, you look so fine."
Sometime in college again- almost got courted by a guy whose idea of a great conversational piece is on the movement of the world market etc (bonds, history of africa and constantly speaks in inscrutable Tagalog)
the HR Guy- a guy from the office who steals candid pictures of me and grabs my photos from friendster, making them his wallpaper and screensaver.

and now...

this will totally top it all. I am getting love emails from a guy old enough to be my tatay/ lolo!!!

I admit that i am no great beauty.. that's why i dont understand why I'm being swarmed by these people... What did they see in me, my officemates ask? Maybe, they saw the nuts in me too.

***
Last thursday, i almost had a heart attack when i received an email from King Kupa, the DOM looking guy from the purchasing department. This was not actually the first time he has sent me an email, but this has got to be the most disturbing. I cried foul, showed it to my office friend who, in her state of shock, almost hurled at me, thereby catching the attention of my boss, Ms. DT. She asked me to forward his email to her and volunteered to reply to him. after i okay-ed her composition (even with some grammatical errors), i left my area to continue my life like normal. I was then surprised to see a commotion when i got back. Thanks to my ever-reliable bossing, everyone in my department has read that dreaded email! they are now asking me to report that sonofagun to the HR department, calling me a heartthrob and asking me favors (can you request him to purchase me a new computer for my office in cebu? dali! Malakas ka naman sa kanya eh).

Ayun... never in my life was i called a heartthrob, kikay (sabi ni bookie, kung anong kikay ko, anong kadiri daw ng mga nagkakagusto sa akin... )and malakas ang appeal... Ngayon lang. at hindi pa sa magandang konteksto. In an instant, i have become a celebrity, getting unwanted attention from our AVP and Managers... hindi sha nakakatuwa.

WHEN WILL MY LIFE BE NORMAL?

ayuuun. Alam kong curious na kayo sa email na ito,thus, i am posting his email, unedited, while i put in my replies in parentheses.

Be disturbed. be very disturbed.

***

-----Original Message-----
From: "KING KUPA"* [mailto:king.kupa@MYCOMPANY.com.ph*]
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 2:50 PM
To: ANNA BANANA's EMAIL*
Subject:

Hi. I hope you're doing great and feeling okay.(what after getting this email? you have got to be out of your mind) Well, It's been a while now since I e mailed you and expressed my intentions (yup, it has been a while, i agree. I actually thought your father, the prince of darkness, has finally asked you to stop roaming earth and get back down there in that towering inferno). It was a difficult decision to make considering the circumstances (***i heard that a reptile's brain is the size of a pea. no wonder decision making must have caused you a debilitating migraine) I am fully aware of your inhibitions (wow, he must have scanned the entire thesaurus to find this word) and I feel the same (what? you also feel extreme disgust and fright when you look in a mirror? If yes, then, i totally agree... I feel the same way) ... I share the same feelings as yours (sick to your stomach and near to calling a voodoo doctor to cast a spell on you? because that is EXACTLY how im feeling)... reluctant as well (so much for wishful thinking)... nonetheless, fear of rejection and inhibitions will not stop me from expressing my intentions for you (ay, hindi obvious, ah!). Though it's tough (kasing kunat ng balat mo, gurang), might be painful (i'd prefer an open heart surgery without anaesthesia than to be in the same room as you), difficult ... i will try and will do my very best to prove my worth (you have already proven your worth. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). I just wish that you will not doubt me and my feelings (HELLO?!? What is wrong with you, You effing maggot?!?). You can doubt me for the things that i have done, my experiences (huh? DI tayo close ha! pakialam ko kung anong napagdaanan mo.)but please never doubt my intentions for you (ano bang feeling mo? MU tayo???). I only have the purest intentions of you (kasing puro ng burak, kasing linis ng taong grasa... you have a family, for crying out loud!)... please believe me (ulol)... Its breaking my heart feeling that you are just ignoring my mails (buti nga sayo) ... I haven't recieved any response from you (helloooooo! una, RECEIVED yun hindi RECIEVED... basic spelling di alam. pangalawa, talagang wala kang marereceive na response sa akin, bwakanangsyet ka, dahil derecho sa basurahan ang mga emails mo. )... its ruining me learning that you're having second thoughts bout me (anong second thoughts? wala ngang FIRST thought ano!?!)... All I need is an opportunity (wag kang magtatangka... bibigwasan kita)... please give me that chance to show you my sincerity... my worth... I would like you to know me better and me to really establish myself (nagawa mo na... at hindi ka nakakatuwa. letse!). Please dont be mad at me... (I'm not mad... Im beyond mad. i'm enraged, im disgusted, repulsed, ... isa kang nakakarimarim na tao! Paksyet ka)


Sincerely... (take this from a married guy proposing love to a girl young enough to be his granddaughter)

IN SHORT, PWEDE BANG TANTANAN MO NA AKO???

------------------END-------------------

* changed for propriety's sake, though he surely doesnt deserve it

*** Because King Kupa closely resembles a reptile, ulupong, buwaya, i did a research on his family's brain capacity and its exactly just as i thought- not much.


FACT: Dinosaurs had small, reptile-sized brains (a bird of a mammal the size of a dinosaur would have a brain 10 times as big). The dinosaur brain was good enough to tell them where toÊ find food and how to escape danger, but they were unable to learn as well as birds and mammals. Only the small meat-eaters, such as the raptors, has as much brain power as birds.

Reptiles have a tiny brain contained inside a small bony box at the back of the skull. A dinosaur's brain did not have a "thinking" part. It simply sent nerve messages to the eyes, ears, mouth, and muscles to make the body work.

(www.worldbook.com)