The World is Out to Wreck Your Mascara

Hey, remember me
I remember you walking away

I've pictured it a thousand times in my mind. I'd see him strolling around Glorietta with Beyonce while im doing the same with my officemates. We would stop in our path, say hi and I'd embrace them with that cool efficiency like that breakup 4 years ago did not happen. We'd go our separate ways and after a few steps, I'd look back and see him looking back at me. I even picked a song that would serve as the soundtrack of that encounter--- Blind by Lifehouse.

...but all i could hear was the deafening silence amidst that noisy and busy crowd...

Yes, it finally happened. true to my dream sequence, we crossed path at Glorietta, him beside Beyonce, and I, with Karyll. I was animatedly retelling the chaos that happened in Ayala Mrt when the entrance failed to work, causing a long line and an angry stored value holders. Out of nowhere, someone called out my college name. I looked around and the first person I saw was Beyonce, who scurried away and gave me a half-hearted smile...

and then i saw him.

I didnt stop in my tracks, although i did greet him a belated happy birthday. After saying a brief thanks while fidgeting with his collar, we went our own separate ways. After taking a few steps, i caught Karyll's surprised look and I said in a faltering voice, "sha yun." I didnt do that "turn around" act because my brain automatically shut off, my heart was beating erratically, i was flushed and tears were trying to escape from my eyes.

This cannot happen. I wasnt prepared. At least he had a lead time to prepare himself for the chance meeting while I was left there, dumbstruck and grasping for words.

thank God i was dressed for the occasion, with my hair soft and straight, wearing my favorite low-cut green blouse, sexy heels and white New yorker scarf. It seemed that i was dressed for a date/ night out. If only i could have masked that flustered look from my face and had that practiced smile on, it would have been perfect.

No matter how many times I've thought about it,no matter how well i've planned, in reality, responses are always automatic. No matter how much you'd wish you'd done something in another way, you can never bring back those few precious moments when you could have proven to him that, yes, you've survived and you're a better person after it.

I dont know why after that enjoyable birthday dinner and a happy chat with friends including MTB, my cheeks are still wet and my mascara has left an ugly streak on my sullen looking face. Is it because i still feel something for him? I dont think so, it has been 4 years.

Maybe its the fact that he's with his perfect girl, a girl who could have been me, if the stars have only allowed it. Or maybe its because he's still with her, and Im still with no one. Or maybe its because in truth, he is and will always be my greatest and biggest regret.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In reality, I didnt turn around because I wasn't wearing a waterproof mascara. I didnt turn around because I cant bear to once again see him walk away.


Silence is all we have to give
And the memories of a life I wish we'd lived