The Shoe Analogies

"Shopping for shoes is much like finding love. Dont try to fit it if you are not going to buy it, because when it feels great and you realize that you dont have enough to buy it, you'll just regret having ever tried them on. Dont buy it if you have reservations. You judge the best pair according to your criteria because you will be the one to wear it everyday. and when you finally get the perfect pair and you know you just cant do without this pair, go with your gut feeling before you actually regret when somebody else buys those shoes."

my office friends have a way of stressing their point. Yesterday, we got into this lengthy discussion on my perennial distress and pessimism. I have this habit of sulking after every monumental event. How could i stop thinking? I dont understand his reasons for doing the things he does. Like going out of his way to drive me home when I was on the verge of riding with a friend who often drives me home and lives in the same city as I do. He offered no explanation, he just says, "its okay, minsan lang naman." paying for my coffee, feigning unawareness that the Saturday gimmick was a "couple" thing, with only us as the illegit one. BAKEEEET??? Bakit umeentra ka na naman sa buhay ko? at bakit wala akong magawa???

My friends say that driving me home is a sweet gesture, but i cant help it if i'm curious... i'm really itching to know why he went to great lengths to see me home. No, i am not putting malice into things. I was just wondering if i did something to make him feel guilty that he feels the need to make "bawi"? Does he actually know that I have this feeling of dread/ irritation when i see him? Was i too obvious that I was having second thoughts if he really thinks of me as a friend or just someone he is forced to hang out with? I didnt get the answers that night, hence, the sulking and the doubts. (fast forward to last night, i now know why... and just as I thought, there's no romantic angle to it).

Now they are insisting that there could be something... that this is the beginning of something.. Something ano? something vague na naman. How they could conjure such a thought, i do not know. I told them that i dont want to let the light feeling get to me, I cant afford to once again, fall into pieces when he starts ignoring me. They cant understand that enjoying the feeling is like taking a drug, it feels good the first few minutes, but then you'll always end up feeling rotten than when you first started. (Disclaimer: i havent taken any prohibited drug in my life-- heck, even the OTC drug makes me squirm. I just assumed this is how it would be, my reference being Trainspotting and those Maalaala Mo Kaya/ Ipaglaban Mo/ Lovingly Yours, Helen episodes on the bad effects of drug addiction) So, no. I would not allow myself even a tiny bit of happiness over this unusual event.

My friend, Lil Ms. Foxy (LMF) ever the optimist, has been berating me for my behavior. Even Karyll who was in a state of mind- desensitization herself, has been disapproving of my "not getting into the moment" rantings. I cant help it, I am a follower of Sophie Ellis Bextor who wisely said that "a Pessimist is never disappointed." Once again, LMF went into full rebuttal that i am DISAPPOINTED. I disagreed by saying that "its not disappointment, its self loathing". I should have kept my mouth shut because as she would like to say, i would never win an argument when it comes to matters relating to MTB and me--- which is short of saying that i am wrong. then, with toothpaste frothing from her mouth, she started to create the LMF's Verbal Rose Glasses- Analogies To Make Your Life More Exciting Than It Actually Is.

Analogy of the Beach

(paraphrasing the actual words)

LMF: Anna Banana, bakit hindi mo ienjoy ang kilig feeling na naramdaman mo? Hindi naman masama yan. eh kung sa totoo namang its not usual for him to take any person home... lalo na yung katulad mong nakatira sa pluto.

AB: Hindi mo naiintindihan, ayokong kiligin... hindi tama yun. i'm sure, he would have done so even for other people. I do not want to be happy because i am not special to him....

LMF: ang problema sa yo, mashadong mong nirarationalize ang lahat ng bagay. bakit hindi mo na lang ienjoy? take time to enjoy the water... isasawsaw mo lang ang paa mo para mafeel mo kung gano kasarap ang tubig. You still can enjoy the weather, the skies, the water without dipping your entire body into the water. Hindi mo kailangan magswimming.

AB: Hindi mo naiintindihan ( I always feel that no one can understand me noh?). I am no longer having a leisure walk along the shore...nasa gitna na ako ng dagat, walang life vest. If i take time to appreciate the water, i would topple over from the boat.

LMF: (strong rebuttals spoken in high pitched tone)

Having felt that she won that round, she did her victory gloat at lunch. now with Karyll and FHM babe as part of our mental duel, I tried hard to defend my position.

(repeat dialogues above)

Karyll: AB, hindi ganun ang nangyari... nagpunta kayo sa gitna ng dagat, pero nung andun na kayo, bigla ka nyang iniwan... pero ayan na ulit sha, bumabalik. ang kelangan mo lang ay to meet him halfway..

AB: hindi, i didnt get there because i paddled my way to the depth of the sea... i was brought there by the wind... external factors... hindi ako nagsagwaaaaaaaan!!!

LMF: kahit hindi ka pa nagsagwan papunta sa gitna, andun ka pa rin. Kahit hindi mo ginusto... kahit sisihin mo pa ang hangin na nagdala sa yo kung nasan ka ngayon. Ang importante, anjan sha bumabalik sayo, to take you once again back to shore.

FHM Babe: Aaaah, di ko gets.

(LMF, KAryll and AB all looked at FHM Babe)

AB: Are you ganging up on me?

(to be continued...)

Mr. DJ, Can I Make a Request?

... siguro para sa yo yung new song ng chicosci kasi... wala lang (smiley). hehe. di ko nga alam yung title eh (smiley) pero okay siya pakinggan.

- on asking his opinion on what song he'll request for me during our textscapade on Remote Control Weekend on NU 107

Okay, that's sweet. He's dedicating a song we both barely know. But i've heard it and i thought it was another song by Chemical Romance... thanks to my brother, I got the song title and thanks to google, got the lyrics too.

The Promise
by Chicosci

Now you are my beloved ghost
And here I'll wait for you to sing
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me

This wine (this wine)
From my veins (from my veins)
These gifts (these gifts)
We'll take

The sky is ours to keep tonight
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me

This wine (this wine)
From my veins (from my veins)
These gifts (these gifts)
We'll take

I'll be
The kiss
The gun
We'll be draining their blood again

Embrace the rest of me
We'll be racing through the night
Again, embrace the rest of me
Then feast on them, celebrating

I'm not alone
I can feel your eyes on me
I'm not alone
Your soul for all the world to see


Denied another day
Life took you away
I'll love you just the same


'Cause you are my beloved ghost
And here I'll wait for you to sing (wait for you to sing)
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me


The sky is ours to keep tonight (ours to keep tonight)
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me


I'm not alone
I can feel your eyes on me
I'm not alone
Your soul for all the world to see
To see

*** I shall assume that he doesnt know the lyrics of this song because if he did, he wouldnt have thought of this. its sweet, yes, emotional (emo) yes, morbid, hell yeah.

Next time iho ha? just choose something safe. I am not expecting a super sweet song, kahit Mata ng Diyos by Wolfgang,ok lang.

Tsong, kahit kelan talaga, clueless ka.

Bursting My Bubble

I commend his ability to rationalize/ densensationalize even the most romantic of all gestures.

...taking me home just because:

1. I was wearing a skirt
2. I was wearing white shoes too white to be spoiled by the muddy path
3. he wanted to take his friend home as a sign of his gratitude for the friend's constant initiative to drive him to his place... with my house near (but farther from) the friend's house and his invitation within my hearing
4. his altrustic mission to share his blessings i.e. his car, his fuel, his free time

yes, he rationalized his sweet and kind gesture to take me home by saying that if Freddie Kruger wore a skirt and white shoes and was in bad need of a ride, he would still take him in only because he is a GOOD person. (he didn't say this verbatim--- but I can read between the lines)

He is, i appreciate it. and yes, I am not special. Got the message, it was crystal clear. So much for high hopes of a Close up moment.

Mga Kakatwang Pangyayari sa Buhay ng Isang Babaeng Saging

1. Makakita ng Amerikanong pulubi sa Makati
2. Mabangga sa loob ng AFP dahil pinatigil namin ang taxi sa gitna ng intersection
3. magtapos ng isang buong araw pagpasok hanggang paguwi ng may run ang stockings
4. Kumuha ng buhok sa pagkain ng iba
5. Mahuli sa camera ang elephant arms na ipinakalat sa buong lipunan

I Heart LOVE

tonight, i can freely write about the things that tug at my heart.

*****
I am happy. I know that rationally speaking, i shouldn't be. But now is
not the time for rational thinking. I've been rationalizing everything
about him, but still i end up with nothing but confusion and that
nagging feeling that there is something missing. Not so long ago, I
refused to acknowledge the things that were presenting themselves to me.
At one point, a good thing because somehow, it helped me cushion my
fall. Now, i just want to relish this odd and tingly feeling inside
because at the back of my head, i know that one wrong move and it will
all regress back into my imaginary atlantis and lay in heap at the
doorstep of wishful thinking.

My only fear is that when i have fully placed my feet on the hot air
balloon and left my parachute where my feet should be, a bird will prick
this "bubble" and i will burst into flames, just like that slapstick
scene in looney tunes. But right now, i just want to be free, free to
feel what my heart wants to believe but my logic dares to reject. I am
tired of fighting, so i shall plunge head on, like a soldier without an
armor, like a diver without an oxygen tank, like a school kid heading
into an exam without a minute's review. I know its crazy, but if this
will be the only thing to make the memory last, then crazy it is.

*****

I hope, in the end, it will no longer be an extravagant firework that
after showing off its grandeur, its rich and textured colors, will
disappear into thin air and vanish in space forever.

I am sure that I have a lot of things to write about. My La Luz trip, my atribida streak, my crush code named MUFFIN, my recent eating habits and a lot of other things i wanted to share with my circle of fan-friends (pwede na ba ang 5 sa circle?). Ngunit, subalit, datapuwat, wala na... nawaglit na lahat sa isip ko dahil sa isang ahem... wala lang.

A Dashboard Confession

I should tell myself to stop this giddy feeling inside. I should psyche myself that it doesnt mean anything, nothing more than a friendly gesture. I should stop fantasizing about this thing happening again. I should stop this, period, just like i have been telling myself for the past year. But no matter how active my brain is working and telling me what i should and should not do, my heart is in the driver seat and I can only watch and wait until i crash and burn, AGAIN. In the end, I will succumb to the truth that this is what i've been dreaming of since i fell for him. And no sense of rationality or common sense can stop this feeling.


I am fate's willing puppet.

Project 8/8/08

Today i am feeling...

discontented.
dissatisfied.
empty.
unsafe.
kilig.
irrational.

.. happy birthday, SE :-) you made me happy by making you happy.

Jumbled: Confessions of a Deadly Cutie

I am generally a happy person. But occasionally, i revert back to my true self, one who is manic depressive and pessimistic. Bakit? anong meron?

WAla lang. I cant help but feel sulky and out of it. Wala lang ulit? What can i write about without all the drama? Yes, i am sulking because of things I have no control over. It's his decision, its her decision, Sadness lang na i'm not joining the express train of the backpackers in search for greener pasture... Not that i have no plans. I do. I just dont know when they will materialize.

Speaking of plans, my 15 minutes of fame do not stop at our victory win last Saturday. Kamustahin mo naman kung sino ang punong abala sa SAles and Marketing Team Building sa La Luz this coming Saturday? Sino na naman???

And to think na salimpusa lang ang marketing sa outing cum Team building na ito ng sales. Do you think i'm being too atribida? Dont answer that. Bakit ba? i didnt volunteer. One rainy Wednesday afternoon, in the middle of mountain's worth of paper work, my favorite boss came up to me to ask if it was okay with me to be part of the program committee. I said yes, why not. Aba, malay ko ba na ako ang gagawa ng Extra challenge game? At kamustahin mo? Isa itong fear factor crossed with Amazing Race crossed with Worst case scenario kaya malamang lamang, isang pagkakamali ko lang, Goodbye Company XXX. Hindi. Keri ko to. Wala pa akong hindi kinekeri.

**********

Ang saklap ng mundo. This is only the 2nd day of a new month. I should be rolling on truckloads of money. Ngunit hindi. I am now living on whatever food/ leftover i can scrape/ make nenok in my mommy's kitchen. Hindi ito tama. When did i become so poor? No, dont answer that. (mental note to self: never ask rhetorical questions).

On the brighter side of things, I am so dang proud that finally everyone will get to see that Q.C. is the place to be!Oh yes, i never once doubted the potentials of my hometown, but now that the Block of SM North is offering high end stores like Via Mare, Fitness First (whoohoo!), Levi's store etc. ( i havent personally seen the inside of this new building), im sure that people from North, South, East, West shall come forth and multiply in thousands of proportions here in the city of Smiles. Feel free to share my enthusiasm. Sige na... ayan na. tinatago nyo pa eh.

*********

We have Dashoard Confessional's new album, DUsk and Summer, and is on loop on my player. Its not as heartwrenching as Swiss Army Romance but Chris Carrabba's poetry is not lost on this new album. He still writes the most arresting lyrics ever.

A must listen are the following songs:

Stolen (you have stolen my heart)
Currents (and if this is ever meant to end, then i hope it ends where it began. So hot with love, it burned our hands)
Dusk and Summer (but you've already lost when you only had barely enough of her to hang on)
So Long, So Long (and i will leave under the cover, summer's kiss upon the sky like the stone face of your lover just before she says goodbye)
Heaven Here (naked and tangled and twisted and tonight we are the only ones who feel it.. heaven is here)

For Death Cab's new album, please check out I will follow you into the dark. Love, love, love this song. and crooked teeth also.

********

Hay, i am not feeling well. and listening to Death Cab for Cutie and Dashboard Confessional's latest albums does not make my mood any lighter. Kill me now.

The Place I've Come to Fear the Most

Paksyet.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Paksyet talaga.

***

This is not my week. I hate this unraveling thingie. I do not like being left behind. I do not like seeing her, him, them, walk away.

***

again, i am caught by surprise not by his decision, which I was half expecting in the first place, but by my reaction to that knowledge that he will soon do the thing that I've been wanting to do for the longest time. But now, he is my trigger.

The realization that I should really be thinking about moving on is finally dawning on me. What is left for me to hold on to? My career growth? there isnt any. My friends? They are leaving one by one. The chance to get a glimpse of him every day without the need to talk to him? That, too, will be gone soon. I dont feel safe anymore. After he's gone, I will not have any justification why im still emotionally unavailable. After this, what is there to look forward to?

***

tama si Papa B, when a company does not offer you anything, does not anymore entice you, challenge you, excite you, its time to pack your bags and leave.

***

This is not right. I am sad. Why am i sad? an emotionally draining day + Dashboard Confessional's killer lyrics = puffy eyes and battered soul.