The Shoe Analogies

"Shopping for shoes is much like finding love. Dont try to fit it if you are not going to buy it, because when it feels great and you realize that you dont have enough to buy it, you'll just regret having ever tried them on. Dont buy it if you have reservations. You judge the best pair according to your criteria because you will be the one to wear it everyday. and when you finally get the perfect pair and you know you just cant do without this pair, go with your gut feeling before you actually regret when somebody else buys those shoes."

my office friends have a way of stressing their point. Yesterday, we got into this lengthy discussion on my perennial distress and pessimism. I have this habit of sulking after every monumental event. How could i stop thinking? I dont understand his reasons for doing the things he does. Like going out of his way to drive me home when I was on the verge of riding with a friend who often drives me home and lives in the same city as I do. He offered no explanation, he just says, "its okay, minsan lang naman." paying for my coffee, feigning unawareness that the Saturday gimmick was a "couple" thing, with only us as the illegit one. BAKEEEET??? Bakit umeentra ka na naman sa buhay ko? at bakit wala akong magawa???

My friends say that driving me home is a sweet gesture, but i cant help it if i'm curious... i'm really itching to know why he went to great lengths to see me home. No, i am not putting malice into things. I was just wondering if i did something to make him feel guilty that he feels the need to make "bawi"? Does he actually know that I have this feeling of dread/ irritation when i see him? Was i too obvious that I was having second thoughts if he really thinks of me as a friend or just someone he is forced to hang out with? I didnt get the answers that night, hence, the sulking and the doubts. (fast forward to last night, i now know why... and just as I thought, there's no romantic angle to it).

Now they are insisting that there could be something... that this is the beginning of something.. Something ano? something vague na naman. How they could conjure such a thought, i do not know. I told them that i dont want to let the light feeling get to me, I cant afford to once again, fall into pieces when he starts ignoring me. They cant understand that enjoying the feeling is like taking a drug, it feels good the first few minutes, but then you'll always end up feeling rotten than when you first started. (Disclaimer: i havent taken any prohibited drug in my life-- heck, even the OTC drug makes me squirm. I just assumed this is how it would be, my reference being Trainspotting and those Maalaala Mo Kaya/ Ipaglaban Mo/ Lovingly Yours, Helen episodes on the bad effects of drug addiction) So, no. I would not allow myself even a tiny bit of happiness over this unusual event.

My friend, Lil Ms. Foxy (LMF) ever the optimist, has been berating me for my behavior. Even Karyll who was in a state of mind- desensitization herself, has been disapproving of my "not getting into the moment" rantings. I cant help it, I am a follower of Sophie Ellis Bextor who wisely said that "a Pessimist is never disappointed." Once again, LMF went into full rebuttal that i am DISAPPOINTED. I disagreed by saying that "its not disappointment, its self loathing". I should have kept my mouth shut because as she would like to say, i would never win an argument when it comes to matters relating to MTB and me--- which is short of saying that i am wrong. then, with toothpaste frothing from her mouth, she started to create the LMF's Verbal Rose Glasses- Analogies To Make Your Life More Exciting Than It Actually Is.

Analogy of the Beach

(paraphrasing the actual words)

LMF: Anna Banana, bakit hindi mo ienjoy ang kilig feeling na naramdaman mo? Hindi naman masama yan. eh kung sa totoo namang its not usual for him to take any person home... lalo na yung katulad mong nakatira sa pluto.

AB: Hindi mo naiintindihan, ayokong kiligin... hindi tama yun. i'm sure, he would have done so even for other people. I do not want to be happy because i am not special to him....

LMF: ang problema sa yo, mashadong mong nirarationalize ang lahat ng bagay. bakit hindi mo na lang ienjoy? take time to enjoy the water... isasawsaw mo lang ang paa mo para mafeel mo kung gano kasarap ang tubig. You still can enjoy the weather, the skies, the water without dipping your entire body into the water. Hindi mo kailangan magswimming.

AB: Hindi mo naiintindihan ( I always feel that no one can understand me noh?). I am no longer having a leisure walk along the shore...nasa gitna na ako ng dagat, walang life vest. If i take time to appreciate the water, i would topple over from the boat.

LMF: (strong rebuttals spoken in high pitched tone)

Having felt that she won that round, she did her victory gloat at lunch. now with Karyll and FHM babe as part of our mental duel, I tried hard to defend my position.

(repeat dialogues above)

Karyll: AB, hindi ganun ang nangyari... nagpunta kayo sa gitna ng dagat, pero nung andun na kayo, bigla ka nyang iniwan... pero ayan na ulit sha, bumabalik. ang kelangan mo lang ay to meet him halfway..

AB: hindi, i didnt get there because i paddled my way to the depth of the sea... i was brought there by the wind... external factors... hindi ako nagsagwaaaaaaaan!!!

LMF: kahit hindi ka pa nagsagwan papunta sa gitna, andun ka pa rin. Kahit hindi mo ginusto... kahit sisihin mo pa ang hangin na nagdala sa yo kung nasan ka ngayon. Ang importante, anjan sha bumabalik sayo, to take you once again back to shore.

FHM Babe: Aaaah, di ko gets.

(LMF, KAryll and AB all looked at FHM Babe)

AB: Are you ganging up on me?

(to be continued...)