Mood: nostalgic and depressed
All i wanted was that damn Pilates reading.
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Where did the tears come from?
I Knew it. The universe is telling me not to exercise for it will only bring about muscle pains, which include heartaches.
As i looked for my one-page Pilates handout in my thoushallnotbenamed box (a box he gave me for my bday containing things I remind him of), i came across so many things from my past. There were the letters from my high school batchmates when we had a Soc Sci project that entailed writing as much letters to one another as possible, my blue books containing my sorry-looking grades in Math 17, my so-called journals, and of course, some photo albums which i forgot i had.
thoushallnotbenamed aka pandora's box
I scanned each one of the albums, with a smile on my face. The first photo album was my senior prom, certainly not my proudest moment. I cringed while looking at them, although I had to laugh at my manang gown and makeup. what was i thinking?
Next album was my junior prom, now, that was something. I was at my thinnest and 'prettiest' then. I remember that was the time i lost 15 pounds (8 pounds of which i gained back in senior year, thus explaining the hideous photographs of senior prom).
A-ha! first year college. Ooooh, i looked so young then. I smiled at the pictures from Tagaytay. My block was wearing this "pakitang gilas shirt" i.e. our block shirt with all the names of my blockies printed at the back. I saw pictures from our Bulacan outing and i laughed at how conservative and naive we were back then. Of course, i saw his face on every one of these pictures. He was my blockmate, after all. I didnt feel any sting because well, it garnered little memories of the two of us. It was more of a group memory actually, happy ones at that. And yes, i was wearing a t-shirt (not the body hugging shirt, more like the boyish shirt) and eeek, cargo pants.
Still, i was smiling. This is fun, i thought. Its like im 17 again.
My smile faded instantly, like a cassette getting stuck, when i saw the last album. It was my 18th bday album. And just like a movie, the song Cannonball played on my Ipod.
There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
We were seated at the balcony of our terrace, smiling like we were the happiest couple in the world. How easily i remembered. The feelings came rushing back in and putting down my defenses, like waves crashing and destroying that beautiful (but fragile) sand castle.
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on
Shit, i cant believe im crying again. Not just the practiced one-side tear but the bawling-like-a-baby tear. I know im over him, I'm SURE im over him. but why cant the tears stop falling?
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
I remember the exact feeling/ thoughts at that moment... I, rather WE were thinking we would actually be together until we were 80... that we'd get married at that small church in Tagaytay, have four kids, and fight over where we should reside, north or south.
We didnt even last longer than a year... As a matter of fact, there wasnt even a WE to begin with. Just You and I mixed with a lot of I love you's and heartaches.
mamba (she's the black apparition at the farthest left) flamethrower, moi, thoushallnotbenamed and tada! Beyonce, his current.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
I cant say that this will be my last good cry over him. I never expected this sudden outburst, in the first place. I thought I had exhausted all my pent-up emotions and tears for him. Im wrong, AGAIN.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
Im sure tomorrow, i'll be laughing at this moment, shaking my head and asking myself, what the hell was wrong with me. But for now, I guess i'll just be clutching that photograph to sleep, wishing it was all just a bad dream and that i will have my HAPPY ENDING. For now, its just me and this infinite sadness.
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