Man Hunt: the Search for the Next Boy Toy

I need a hug.

It just occurred to me that whenever im stressed, I need a strong and soft body to comfort me. Yesterday, my super dumped me a huge pile of paper work without the vital instruction. I was lost, alone, I wanted to cry and quit the job. Thankfully, somebody came to the rescue... after that, I had to find a person to transfer the stress accumulating in my system. Good thing Ambec came back from a client presentation. But what if Ambec were not around? Would I have resorted to bawling inside the washroom eating my lunch alone (which is soooo Mean Girls) or gone over to my boss and hand over my resignation letter? Since this is my first job, I have to exert some effort to make it work, unless I be accused of being a useless member of the society. I MUST DEVICE AN ANTI-STRESS PLAN and I must have it NOW.

This led me to think of several contingency plans.

1. Calling my friends every hour: too expensive
2. Chocolates: nope, too fattening
3. Shirk: out of the question.

So that leaves me with... drumroll please... THE AM's OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND SEARCH.

Yeah. Yeah.... what a pathetic reason to fall in love. But what the heck, im only human, flesh and blood im made (how cheesy!).

Don’t get me wrong. I won’t just pull some stranger walking in Glorietta... that would be cheap. I have a master plan with the standards of the (un)fortunate guy who will be sharing his affection with an, ahem, undercover goddess

I asked Dishwalla to find me one… He, like yours truly, is now a member of the labor force. He will be working side by side with my mentor in Ecosoc, Shawie. HE asked me what I want in a guy… hmmm, oo nga no? What is it that I want in a boyfriend/ bearer of all my stress?


INITIAL REQUIREMENTS:
1. sane
2. non- violent
3. single
4. willing to be subjected to intense emotional, physical, and verbal abuse
5. willing to dish out some cash, time and lotsa effort

Pre-qualifying Exam

1. Clean, Fresh smelling (amoy bagong paligo, hindi yung parang binabad sa pabango) and hygienic
Rationale: since the primary reason I want to have a boyfriend is that I want somebody to hug, he must be huggable. I don’t want to be embracing someone smelling like a dumpsite.

2. Normal to extremely good looking person
Rationale: I’m not really expecting a gorgeous Ryan Phillippe looking guy but if God gives me one, bakit ako tatanggi sa grasya?
Pero if not, I would settle for someone normal looking. I don’t want him to have a huge mole, it might distract me everytime. I don’t want him to have features that are too large (mukhang anime) or too small (mukhang premature baby). Normal nga lang…

3. Dressed for success
Rationale: My future boyfriend/ bearer of all my stress will be seen with me, an undercover goddess so he must look decent and respectable. Please, no wearing of huge basketball shoes 24/7 or loose hiphop shirts… that is soooo.. fubu.


Panel Interview
1. Sense of humor is a must
Rationale: I am a funny and silly girl; please don’t take away my sunshine. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks of the fluctuation of the exchange rate or the duality of life. I mean, I love talking about serious stuff but not every second of everyday… please. If he’s afraid he’ll look stupid if he acts and jokes silly, chances are, he is.

2. Must ispeak fluid inglis
Rationale: My friends are evil. We are mean. Lest you want to be the object of our torrid insults, you must know how to speak English. If you’re not confident with your command of English, tagalugin mo na lang.

Final Interview
1. Putting the smart in casual
Rationale: as long as you don’t wear rubber shoes like there’s no tomorrow, I don’t want my guy overdressed all the time. I’d prefer to look like his girlfriend, not his personal alalay. Jeans and shirts (not the im-so-macho-see-my-nipples-freezing shirts) are fine. I think what matters is how he carries himself. I appreciate guys who exude confidence, can carry a conversation, and can smack me bitch up!

So there... those are the partial unofficial requirements for the luckiest guy in the entire planet. If you know anyone, please tell me immediately. I'm running on a tight schedule.