Entries from the Cubicle Kingdom

Shirking is not an option.

Or is it?

Im staring at this computer screen for what seems like a good ten minutes, racking my brains for something quirky to write about. This, in itself, a form of shirking.

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A sideway glance, a papercut, post-its lying on the messy desk. These are images, parts and parcel, of this collage displaying my life at present.

A voice inside my head keeps whispering, Are you really happy? I shrug the voice, try to quiet it down with the endless ringing of the telephone.

I try to live my life with the hope that someday, everything will fall in its right place. I will fall in love again, I will get rich, I will establish a charitable institution with my friends. Even insipid thoughts like my nails will grow to a feminine length, my hair will straighten out eventually. Still, there's a voice in my head, nagging. What good will I do to the world? what is my purpose?

Yesterday, i was riding the train home when suddenly, i was gripped with a sadness that was so overwhelming. i thought about the things i constantly fail and admittedly not able to do.

kiss my dad when i get home, when was the last time?
Send my friends a love and friendship message, a part of my youth that is long forgotten.
Sing and dance to the new novelty song on mainstream radio, how juvenile yet with deliberate passion, i try to recapture.
Spend 5 hours on the internet, doing nothing yet being one with everything, how i wish I could do that more.

Shirking is not an option. but remembering great times is.

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Loving is never an easy task. yet, with every sad song or sweet song, i remember oh-so- clearly every second of every moment of every experience when i knew I was in love. How could anyone who used to feel so much feel numb to every strange feeling that comes her way? I think of Love, i can say that i think about it more often now that I'm filled with so much things to do. I miss love, one that is unnamed, unforgotten, unhurt. When i think of it now, I dont think of the person i used to feel it with, i dont think of the relationship we almost had. I think of love from a clean slate, from a clean memory, Just the ideal concept of love my friends and I talk about til the wee hours of the morning. I'm wanting love, and I'm wanting itnow.

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A beating heart, a walk in the park, a kiss in the dark, a silent prayer asking for forever. These are images, parts and parcel, of this collage i want to call life.